I had a talk with my g/f this afternoon about anxiety and what it feels like to have it and  it was very constructive 

( Sorry, my head is in the stage where it cannot remember the right "words", so if I use a wrong one..don't call me out on it, point, and  laff at me..I will remember the correct one later.)

So we talked about this thing I have, and while she does not have it, she is very understanding and tries her best to wrap her head round it without judging…or laughing and pointing.

I am someone who has anxiety, but I am functioning in most aspects of life, and I do it without meds now…God bless me..how things seem much clearer in my head without the medication… I still have small little anxiety things my body throws up from time to time. I just let them go by as best I can.  I have my xanax if I need it..havent used it yet. I found a counselor today and am going to make an appointment, I think I need a refresher on how to deal with this. 

Oh and I have a new job offer..the only bad thing is that it is in an industry that was related to my old work and the thought of that stresses me out and I don't know what to do…I nailed the two intervviews without med help, and I didn't freak out. 

So why do I feel apprehensive about taking it? 

Why havent I called them back to say I would take the job yet, no one else seems to be calling me about employment.  I am on unemployement, and have to be honest here and say the stress of that  last job brought my anxiety back up, and the result is a reason why I was fired.  They didn't fire me for having anxiety…..no no no..I don't tell anyone I have it.  It just gave me poor job performence as a result of the stress and the anxiety.

I tried to go through the workforce commision and get retrained by going back to school and become a plumber or something. They make good money and at least I know that when I finish the job, it's done.  No stupid lawyer can take a look at what I sent in for payment, make a new law and as a result can reject what I sent in three months later..past the filing period.  (I worked in medical claims billing) 

I hate lawyers.. they are the cause of this whole medical mess..them and the Medical Insurance companies..I would give you  examples, but that would take too long. I really want to go into culinary and learn to be a baker, get a degree and open up a shop someday…that seems less stressful and more fufilling to me, unfortuantely culinary is not offered in the training program. 

The other thing stopping me from training is, they dont pay your living expenses and bills while going through retraining.  Since my girlfriend is not working and has only nine months till she graduates nursing school, I have to be the one to work..I just so loathe working customer service and the stress it brings on.

So I had a thought about this and mortality..and no, don't try to read between the lines, I am NOT SUICIDAL AT ALL..I told her once recently, that when this  hit me and came on badly in the year 2003 that I was hoping that they would find something wrong with my heart as the cause of  this, and that it would not be anxiety at all.

Isn't that odd?  I would much rather have a defect in which I have to have surgery where they crack open my chest and do a dangerous surgery to fix it, than have an anxiety disorder.  I told her that if they did find something wrong with my heart and they had to do surgery to repair it and they  told me I only have a 40 % chance of coming out of the surgery, but I would be better, that I would do it in a..ahem..heartbeat.

I was also thinking that since I have been dealing with this crap for years and years and that at times it makes you feel as if you are dying …I have no fear of the act of dying anymore and how painful that might be..  (I watched a new episode of the TV show SCRUBS this evening and they had a guy who was close to dying who was scared of what would happen when the time came in a few hours)

I don't welcome death, don't get me wrong.  I just really have no fear of the idea of dying of natural causes anymore since I have had to deal with these faux heart attacks, the imaginary suffocations, and the tingling and shaking and almost convulsing that a panic attack can bring on.

I am not suicidal and I want to live for sixty more years, but it's just odd to me, that at 35, not existing here anymore doesn't scare me into trying to hold on when it is my time to go.  Where as fifteen years ago, the idea of not being here was so alien and frightening to me.

It's odd that when you go through trying times year after year, you gain a perspective and come to terms with something you never thought you would.  I spose that is why when everyone else around me goes through trying times, where they lose something they love, money, or someting like that. and they can go completly mental at the loss.  If that happened to me, I  just take everything in stride and go with the flow and ride it out…

Not freaking out about things and going with the flow is the only way I know how to cope, feel better, and live now. 

(Of course, when I think about it, in sixty years when it is my time to go..I will prolly be crying like a baby, wetting myself, and trying to hold on and live another sixty years, and the above epitome would all be moot..hehe)