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I’ve let my mental health issues completely take over my life. It started off as small things, I wouldn’t reply to a friend or two, I’d skip a day of school because I didn’t feel up to it. Small. Now, I barely leave my house, I was supposed to graduate this year but I haven’t even attended one class. Every time I try I get a panic attack so bad I end up throwing up. I’ve lost almost all my friends. I only talk to one person now, I’m thankful for her sticking by me all these years, but I never see her anymore, we used to be best friends, now we only talk occasionally. I’m missing everything senior year is supposed to be. Every morning I wake up and wish I hadn’t. Every time I encounter an outside problem I can’t even handle it, no matter how big or small it is. Every time I get overwhelmed, which is almost everyday now, I lose my breath, I feel like I’m choking on nothing. Suffocating for no true purpose. I just want it to get easier. Nothing is getting easier and everyday I feel like a weight keeps getting added to my chest. Im becoming bitter, I resent everyone who can go out with their friends, everyone who can go to school, everyone who isn’t ruining their lives like I am. Everyday I just breathe a little harder and try to get out of bed, because honestly that’s the most I’m capable of right now. I’m scared. I’m scared that one day I’ll wake up and decide that everything that is keeping me here, everything I tell myself everyday to stop myself from doing something dangerous, will mean nothing to me and I’ll go through with my innermost demons.

I just want it to get easier, but I’m holding myself back and I have no clue how to stop.

2 Comments
  1. jayce 4 years ago

    i know the feeling, i dropped out just before second semester on my last year, i run away from all my problems, or try to. 6 years later theres no difference between then and the blink of an eye, i havent grown one bit. nothing becomes everything eventually, literally, the weight gets builds continuously, even now ive lost 2 jobs this year, almost a third one, just because i cant keep a lid on it. i despise hope, i dont like dreaming about the future because i know what already is and what ive already missed, friends and everything, im always alone and walking that edge, scared, angry. opportunities fade quickly and faster still.
    i dont have any advice for you, not even a bit, i wish i did. i read your other blog, i cant help you there either, i dont have any experience with the medication, honestly ive been too afraid to try it, probably partially out of denial, like if i go then its something real, just living with it, because i dont want to do anything else.
    i dont know, a glimpse into the future i guess, i dont mean to be, whatever this is, arrogant, condescending, you probably know all this, it just really hit home. sympathy and good luck is all, i really do mean that.

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  2. kitmoon 4 years ago

    Hi there.

    A lot of this sounds really familiar. I’m sorry you’re having such a horrible time of it. It’s been a long time since I was in my equivalent of high school, but I remember how much I floundered – actually, it was more like starting to fall down a very deep hole, with no idea how to stop or how to climb back out. I couldn’t cope with schoolwork, couldn’t deal with people (I can’t honestly say I made one real friend that whole time, and certainly nobody I still keep in touch with), I had embarassing health problems, and I had a horrible relationship with my mother, who was raising my brother and I alone. That was the first time it really became clear to me that my life was starting to go to a bad place. If I’d known then at 18 what I know now, I would’ve done some things differently – actually, a lot of things – but I was mostly preoccupied with ‘not falling apart’. Holding it together, holding it in, not letting anybody see how dysfunctional I was.

    The worst thing, now that I think about it, wasn’t any of my ‘specific’ problems, it was that I didn’t even know how to start dealing with any of them. It was like being lost at sea in a small boat in the middle of the night- no light, no beacons, no navigation instruments, and no guidance. And I really didn’t learn any ‘navigation skills’ till I was in my mid-to-late twenties. I didn’t even know it was a skill you could learn. I had no adults in my life who represented to me any kind of sane model of how to live. All I had was a list of ‘shoulds’ for my life and a sense of failure about each one.

    It may sound kind of pat, but eventually – after years – I realised that it’s when things feel most crappy that you learn what is and isn’t important to you, what is and isn’t true for you. If you’re drowning in anxiety and perpetually exhausted from it, that’s when it most pays off to ask yourself what honestly matters to you and what only ‘seems’ to matter. I don’t know if that sounds like useful advice. I don’t have a personal motto, but if I did it would be along the lines of ‘the more shitty life gets, the more I’m in a good place to start questioning and get some actual answers that mean something to me.’

    I don’t claim to have life solved. Far from it. Just know that ‘finding your way through life’ isn’t a skill anyone is born with. Some people just seem to ski through life – all the ‘normal’ routes work for them. Others hit roadblock after roadblock, and have to figure out how to find their own particular path again. That’s especially the case with those who have difficulties early in life because they don’t fit the usual ‘mold’.

    What are some of the things that do give you hope? That you’re clinging to or are keeping you afloat. Those are always your first clue, I think.They may seem small or insignificant, but they usually represent something you really want. When you know what that is, you have a reason to live. When you get really clear about that, you have more reasons to live. And so on.

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