So yeah this past few weeks have been really really tuff for me. The bi-poler is really acting up. I haven’t felt this bad in a while. My mood as been every witch way, I’m complely numb and just not w/ in myself at all.Loseing track of what I’m doing, time, the day, I am just completly lost, and sleep yeah right what is that ? My brain is raceing and spinning all I can think of it hurting myself and even from time to time I have remove myself where I am becuse I get over welmbed w/ thought of how easy it would be to just end myself and noone would care or probly even notices. It really sucks beuse I hate myself so bad right now and dont even know why. I dont know what has me in such a funk. I just know that I am full of self hate, hopelessness, and urges like there is no tomorrow. I mean I can keep my mind toghter enfoe to put on the fake smile and go about my day, but maybe that is my problom is tha I’m not letting anything out or even show. Not a soul can tell what I am going thru and I want it to say that becuse I know no one is going to understand or care. I am so caught up in deprestoin that my body is hurting. All I really wanna do is just curle up into alittle ball and disapper. I know i have a few oppions if i need them I mean theses alway the hospital and being zombiefied agin, but thats just a tempory fix and would hurt alot of things I got going on in my life. Gggggrrrrr there is so much pressure I feel like I’m cracking. This isnt cool and I’m not sure what to do about any of it, and damn all the issuies that outside of my head. Wow i need to hide and put a mask over it all so bad. But I am trying not to, I’m trying to stay away from S/I’ing even thoe my tool is never out of hand anymore….

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