My mind is all over the place today. The good news is my anxiety attacks are caused by something in particular that sets them off. They are not out of nowhere. They are not purely physical (although I do believe they are partly physical, that is, there is "something wrong" with my brain.) However! I noted the things that make me the most anxious.
Here is an example. A couple of weeks ago I heard from my exboyfriend who I still have feelings for. He was just texting me to say hello. At the same time as the text came through, I noticed he'd commented on a mutual friends' photo on FB. He also alluded to the front page on my FB in a text. Then I thought… "wait is that stupid description of me that I wrote while I was drinking still on the front page? Did I forget to erase it? And if so… did K see it??" I went to my front page and the description was still there! I described myself in such a way that if you don't know me well it made me sound bad, like a drunk and a fake and a slut. When I wrote it like I said I was drinking and trying to make a joke. Not a real description of who I really am, just trying to show off and be obnoxious. I really didn't care if my friends saw it because they know my snarky sense of humor… but I DID NOT WANT K TO SEE IT!! He would get the wrong idea about who I really am and all the negative stuff about me from our relationship might come back in his mind. Five years of earning his respect would be RUINED!!
He didn't text me back and I assumed he'd seen the description. Well, I began to panic. The entire next 2 days I had bad panic attacks. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. I physically could barely do my work out at the gym, and I couldn't eat or sleep!! All I could think of was that K read that shitabout me and doesn't like me anymore. Anxiety was killing me literally!!
Then ontheThurs before Christmas I sent K a "Happy Birthday" message via text. I held my breath to see if there would be a response. He responded saying "U made my day that you remembered." I was so excited and happy that I felt like a rope that was choking me had been snapped and I could breathe again. The anxiety melted. I got my energy back. I was smiling and laughing. It was great!!
A few days later it was Christmas. It was a rocky Christmas with my parents and I we always argue and get overly sensitive with eachother and damn near kill eachother over the holidays. I hadn't heard from K. My other friends wished me a Merry Christmas via text. Even J who had not spoken to me in months!! But nothing from K. I panicked again. I was also hungover from drinking on Christmas. I get anxiety attacks the next day from drinking. Bad ones. My brain chemistry goes nuts. I was a wreck.
Finally, I got a message from K wishing me a Merry Christmas. It had not gone through for a whole day. I was relieved and again, the anxiety melted. I felt relaxed again, and my energy came back…
Now it's coming up on New Years Eve. I always spend it with J, but J and I are no longer friends, so I am terrified that I will be alone for New Years!! And guess what?! I'm starting to feel anxious again. That awful panic is setting in. I'm trying to keep busy so that I won't go into full on panic mode. I am trying to focus on the positive. Sometimes I can control it, other times it takes me over.
I would say, that overall, my anxiety is triggered by social angst. The fear of being left out in the cold, rejected, hurt, lonely etc… Those are the main feelings that make me anxious. When the anxiety builds, I get full blown panic attacks. I know I am really doing badly when I can't eat. (Which ironically would do me some good since I am over weight)
Anyway, at least I have some idea of what to expect and understand where my anxiety is coming from. It's not just a random occurance. I do wish I could stop it though. Once it gets started it has a mind of its own and takes me over completely.