So, I know I haven’t been on here for a while. I think I was trying to figure out a way to manage writing an entry that wasn’t either too angry or too depressingly despondent, after the Trump presidency. Lol. I mean, what? The US elected a wannabe Hitler, the KKK is ecstatic, and I have no idea if my SSI, medical benefits or the hard-won rights not be discriminated against by the government will remain the way they are now, but you know… *sigh*

For the 1st time ever, when trying to ground myself from a panic attack, saying the current date, out-loud, didn’t actually help but horrify me further. My only solace, in all of this, lays in the fact that most of the US did vote for Hillary, that those who didn’t weren’t all led by hatred but by ignorance and desperation, and that even though the orange menace did win, the rest of us upstanding citizens are not going down without a fight or simply accepting whatever he and his little cabinet of horrors come up with.

I have been trying to join a protest but, so far, my anxiety issues have held me back. That’s got to change because I feel like a wimp, every time I miss one. I’m going to walk with them, eventually, I know it, for peace, love, and justice! I just want to make sure I’m able to keep my level of internal balance steady when I do go and afterwards. In the meanwhile, I want to start wearing a safety pin on my shirt, at all times. For those who don’t know, the safety pin campaign has risen as a form of sending a message to all minorities, out there, that you are a safe and supportive person towards them and that they can count on you for help. I’m also planning to do something, art wise, just to spread some positivism in the world. We really need it right now.

I’m broke, yet again but got lucky that mother sent me a bit of cash, a few days ago, so I can eat. The room situation is a bit better but it could definitely stand to advance more. I might set up the PS2 today. Can’t wait to have Kingdom Hearts 2 to play, again. That and finally finish FFX. *NO SPOILERS PLEASE!!!* I have to have something to distract and entertain me, at home, apart from having to always clean up something. I started going to the gym again. Once a week, for now. I have my 1st ever appointment with a trainer, today. I’m looking forward to that. I desperately want to lose weight. Been trying to rope in my roommate too, for his health. Let’s see if all that works!

I asked my father (who I’m in no contact with, except for emergencies) about a pill incident some years back, when I was a teen, with my mom. He says he answered me. I still haven’t opened the email. I’m kind of dreading the answer but won’t be surprised to find something awful in it. Maybe I don’t and that’s great but suicidal behavior from one’s mother is always a scary thing to ponder. She swears she didn’t want to kill herself but some of us are a bit skeptical, inside. Why would I want to ask this? I don’t know. Probably to realistically asses the depth of things and validate the feelings of loss that are trapped in, somewhere in my subconscious. This is what happens when I start therapy again.

Speaking of therapy! The new shrink is nice and I was happy to be able to have a second session while being linear and present instead of chaotically dissociated, like the 1st time. I think I’m going to have to talk to her about seeking emotional safety by the ending of a session (grounding more?) because last time I felt like we opened a wound and, had we not already had our inner adult take in my inner 1 yr old up, let’s just say I might have gotten self-destructive, in the past. I mean, I know therapy is hard and it can give you the roughest of feels. I guess it just hit me really hard, this time, because I haven’t had effective, truly adequate therapy in almost 2 years. For once, I can finally let my guard down, instead of having to parse through what’s useful and what’s horribly damaging.

Two thousand and friggin’ 16, eh? Can’t believe 11,000 ppl got up, drove all the way to the election booths and voted for Harambe! With David Bowie missing, the fabric of reality keeps unraveling. Gene, Alan, Prince & others, we’ll miss you too. Can you imagine what they’d have said about Trump’s win? It was the anniversary of the 1st ever loss of a friend to suicide, for me. I got molested and moved back to my old roommate’s apt. for safety. Oh yeah! I forgot I was jipped for about half my paycheck to fix my scooter, which only broke down after 2 days. Had to end a friendship I really cherished with someone because their drug use, narcissism, and borderline rage/abuse got too toxic for me to stay in and be ok. Lived with a horribly racist old lady, for a while, after having lived with a gossipy, two-faced histrionic house mate and a ranting yeller neighbor, before. On a positive note, at least I’m out of that hellhole I used to live in and have made a couple of new friends. I just hope next year is better… somehow…

I know it’s a bit early but here’s my list of wishes for next year:

-A work-from-home job.

-My own form of transport (hopefully a car, if not a fixed bike)

-Being able to afford therapy, once a week.

-Make really good, original, sell-able Art.

I think that’s it, for now. What are yours? Until next time, all my love, always:

Alex.