Well I made it to another day.  I feel so guilty because the second my 21yr old daughter leaves to stay at  a friends house I feel myself totaly relax.  She had to come home early so the babies dad could pick her up for visitation but, soon after my daughter left again and I feel so relaxed and content.  I love my daughter so much and hate to think that she is the reason for my depression.  I wish I could control it but, I cant.  I remember when I was pregnant with her I was 19yrs old.  And well growing up without a Dad and a Mom that was gone all the time partying or with a new boyfriend being gone for several days at a time well…I was excited to have this baby.  My babies dad who was about 10-15 yrs older than myself took off when he found out i was pregnant.  So I could not wait to have this baby, to have someone to love and to love me back.  I couldnt wait til she was old enough to want mommy hugs and kisses.  For someone to love me unconditionaly.  I went into post partum blues after she was born and instead of getting better my depression got worse I have litlte memories of either one of my childrens childhood and parts of my  life..and well my daughter has always been soo rebelious, its like I cannot do enough for her.  I find myself trying to buy her love.  If she did not have a baby she would not be here because of the verbal battery I deal with on a almost daily basis.  So it makes me feel so guilty that I allow my daughter to have this control over me where it puts me in such a place where I just want to sleep and never wake up.  Anyway I have a son who is the opposite of my daughter he has had his own place since he was 18yrs old he has a great job and now at 20yrs old is house shopping with excellent credit.  He is very loving.  If it were not for him I prob would have went off the deep end along time ago.  Mind you he used to act as if he hated me growing up but, when I see him now I see a mature adult who is very caring towards everyone.  Ok I have completely drank way too much coffee today and noticed I am writting a novel lol.  Just wanted to get some stuff off my mind even if it is scattered and makes zero sence lol.


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