The last few days have been incredibly tough. Seems like one thing after another is upsetting me, and its left me feeling incredibly emotionally fragile.. something that I do not like at all.
Today I was at my grandparents having dinner with my uncle as it was his birthday. My 3 baby cousins where there, aged 5,4 and 2.The eldest said to me, completly out of the blue "Hey your fat" Then went on to say "Your fat like a girl in my school" and started laughing at me. His little sister (the 4 y.o) then also started laughing. I was gobsmacked. And hurt. Is all they see when they play with me is my "fattness"? I tried to keep a smile on my face, but inside I just wanted to die. It’s left me feeling upset for the rest of the night, and I’ve shed tears over it when I was home, alone in my room. I can’t stop thinking about it. I know I shouldn’t take something that a 5 year old says, but.. Gee I don’t know. It still upsets me.
What made the whole thing harder is that my aunt asked me if I would be willing to babysit them on Saturday. After what happend I’m really apprehensive, but I know I can’t say anything about it. It makes me look stupid. I’ve always had fun playing with the kids, and now i’m scared of them… which I know is completely insane.
I sincerly hope that these kids don’t turn into the kids that torchured, ridiculed and teased me during my school days about my weight, or those teenagers that look at overwieght people and look down at them.. Or those adults that don’t say anything, but just give you that look.. Overweight people know this look… its the one people give you when your eating something, and the look says "your so fat you shouldn’t be eating that" .. or the look that says "You must be one sad person to look like that".. or "you obviously don’t care about yourself".. or the worst one.. Pity.
I was watching a show the other night about kids with Cancer. It was so heartwrenching. I cried throughout most of it.