I asked to be sent into a mental institution not too long ago.
I asked, I never got an answer.
Then, I asked if I could just see a therapist if that was too much.
I got an answer for that one.
"I'll look. What do you want them for? What specialty?"
"Oh I don't know, maybe someone who will listen and not try to scare the shit out of me, mom."
"Oh right. I'll start looking now."
She went off and found some people.
Most weren't excepting new patients, those who were are too old to understand my problems.
No biggy, I can wait.
"Oh I'll try again, since you said you'd be okay with a male therapist."
"Okay mom, I'll go back to my room now."
So she says.
I still don't have help, nor do I have an clue if she's started searching again.
I think it's going to rain…
My drawings don't please me.
Not a surprise, everyone is their own worse critic.
But for me it seems worse than that.
My art, myself, my attitude, my whole life – it doesn't please me.
I think daily about how this shit planet would be without a measly little worm like me on it.
I wonder why nobody has struck me down to my grave yet.
I wonder why nobody notices just how BADLY I don't want to be here anymore.
When I draw, I usually try to do it to relieve stress, now I do it to keep me from the blade. (Or bottle, may it be.)
My art doesn't please me one single bit though, not even when I improve.
I watch my anatomy get better, my faces get lovely, my coloring become decent.
And I can't stand it.
"Pudge controls the weather."
It used to be such a cute quote from Lilo and Stitch.
I would love to think of that as the clouds or wind shifted, a small fish controlling all the weather.
Then I saw Ponyo, and it made me love to think about it even more.
I hate rain.
I hate snow.
The sun hurts.
Wind is an annoyance.
I hate it all, and it's not because I'm a bitchy teen.
I hate it because it controls my moods.
Rain makes me deeply depressed.
Sun makes me angry.
Right before it snows, it's like rain times a million.
When it's snowing I cry helplessly.
When it's lightning and thunder I'm frightened. (Not of the weather itself, just scared for no reason.)
It's raining hard……
(Changing names for security to them, Don't need to invade their personal bubbles.)
I miss Park.
I miss Kitty.
I miss Jack.
I miss Al and Grif and Zane and everyone.
I miss life back in Phoenix.
I hate it here, I hate being alone everyday.
I hate sitting in my room alone for hours talking to strangers online.
I hate getting rude things commented and noted to me because I'm not perfect.
I hate being fat.
I hate being unable to sing.
I hate how I draw.
I hate the weather.
I hate every god damned thing.
But most of all, I miss my old self who didn't care.
Who didn't cry every night.
Who didn't let others bring her down.
Who didn't try so hard to gain affection, who didn't cut, who didn't drink, who didn't do anything.
Who was good and sweet and actually cared about trying.
And about the weather.
And who didn't let her weight rule her life.
And didn't let other people say shit about her.
And sit alone, who went out and did things.
Who didn't wallow in self pity, and instead comforted everyone else.
I miss Charlotte.
I don't even know who this Charlie bitch is.