Well there has been alot going on these last few weeks. I fell in the same trap that i have been falling in for most of my life. It has been pointed out to me that i like most addicts have fallin in to a pattern time and time again.
It seems i enjoy falling for the unavailable women so i get what i have alwaly know the familiar pain of rejection. DONT ask me Y i do it I just do. however this last one was not my fault. thru hanging out and getting close to someone feelings were formed and when i tried to walk away she just had to throw salt on and open wound. by telling me shes in a commited relationship, when i told her my feelings. only to wait two weeks to tell me she was messin around with someone she aint in the commited relationship with. for the first two day it hurt like hell, i wanted to use to cover the pain but i knew i wasnt cause there aint no reason for me to use today unless i simply want to. i reached out and talked with my sponsor and other members of my network and got thru it. i shared it at a meeting and someone told me…….
that this was my higher power doing for me what i didnt want to do for myself. the fact that the person she is messing around with is a train reck waiting to happen. and my higer power saw it fit to remove me from her life temporarily so 1 i get the willingness to reevaluate my program and so i dont try and pick up her shit when she falls on her face but so i can be there to reach out and help her back up when she falls.
not that i have a moment of clarity my sponsor and i have both aggreed its that time in my recovery that i actually do my fourth step, to help me figure out the true nature of who i am.
so all in all when i dont want to work the program it seems to find the way to work me. i have choices today….. i can sit in the shit or i can walk thru it and get to the other side. it aint easy to walk thru it sometimes, but t sure is a hell of alot safer to walk thru then to set and get stuck on stupid with it.
so if your new and u dont like what life brings deal with it till ya get to the other side cause yeah the pain of walking thru it is a hell of alot better than going back to active use