I just started an SSRI (Zoloft) 12 days ago. My experience with my last SSRI lasted 18 months and ended me up in a very bad suicidal state. There was a lot else going on in my life at the time, so my Dr wanted me to try a different SSRI but try it again since my DX is now clearly OCD.

Here is my thought and please just stop reading when you get bored because this is likely to get long but I need to get all this down. If my therapist is correct and I have really had OCD my whole life, then I have been dealing with it somehow until now.So my first question is how have I been functioning until this point? How have I been dealing?

I am an A typical personality. A perfectionist. I am also a procrastonator and a neat freak.(the neat freak has only been in the last 9 years or so). As far back as I can remember I have had these traits. So if in reality,these are classic symptoms of OCD or precursors to it, then again, HOW did I deal?

So back to my med question, and let me just say why the SSRI bothers me. I suppose I should have included that I am emotional. Always have been. Somewould say moody, but I prefer spirited and force of nature;) When I take the SSRI, I have more control of my emotions. I can\'t cry, or don\'t. I feel less "connected" to my "inner self". Granted, I don\'t have the panic attacks as often. At the moment I am calm and sedate, but I worry that the part of me that feels the panic is also the part of me that connects with people.That makes me the person I am proud to be.

My goal has always been to do things without medications. I watched my mother take 6 pills 4 times a day to deal with her seizure disorder,and my father lapse into bad health and take more pills than I can count. I want to be healthy without the meds. I also don\'t want to lose what makes me, me. So here\'s to hoping that is possible.