A terribly long week.
I work so hard only to have everything torn down. Sometimes it's the fault of others, sometimes it's my fault. But most of the time it's a cycle that could possibly be caused by this maddening illness.
I just read another blog that talked about wanting to rip off the mask. I feel like that right now. Well it's not that I want to rip it off anymore and show how I am, I don't want to but I can't keep it on. I CAN'T be happy forcibly for very long. Oh God how I try only to break down again.
Since I got my FB back I was so happy that I was very quiet on there, only going to to play with Pebless and see a few announcements from my favorite celebs on Syfy and History. I was so damn happy that not only was I back on FB, I was in control and acting like a normal person who has a FB. I talked to my friend Alysha and that was it. All good. I can't even explain the peace I felt for those few days. It was an amazing thing. The week went so well I didn't even feel depressed. I sold a bunch ofstuff on eBay for a couple of dollars each and I didn't even care, I was justhappy to get out to the PO and have coffee and feelproductive again.I almost started to think that maybe things were getting better. I should have known.
Then yesterday I had some drinks and I went on and started posting things on FB, not bad things, but I didn't want to talk to people or post anything. I truly just want to keep to myself.I am through showing off, honestly andthe moment I realized that, it was extremely liberating. I felt so calm. But I can't keep it that way. Is it because I am bored and lonely? I think so. I just can't grasp the zen life. I can't just sit back and do nothing. And because I feel so lost and desperate I end up doing crazy out of control things. And then I feel sad again.
I started to cry when I went to You Tube to listen to "Runaway Train" by Soul Assylum. That song is how I feel now in my life it's so sad. I just cry thinking about it. And now I just cry because of alcohol fucking up my already fucked up brain. No sleep at all because I can't sleep when I'm drunk, I start to have anxiety attacks and all weird things like that. It didn't used to be this way.I was not affected so negatively by alcohol.I guess depression does get worse as you age. I don't think my brain can digest it anymore.
So thenI did something to hurt myself and I don't mean physically. I drained my account. I was frustrated and bought everything I'd been wanting and now I am broke. I am so sick at my addictions. I can't drink responsibly (although I only drink once a week, sometimes less, when I do it's always binging) I can't shop responsibly– if I have any money at all –I will shop EVERY DAY ALL DAY online. That's all I do. I have been trying to sell things to make up for the money I spend but it's a drop in the bucket. I don't hoard, but I buy things that I like to stop the pain and there's a limit since I have very little money.
I am sick of my goddamn addictions. I can't stop. God I am just damn lucky I never got into drugs. Well actually I wish I had, I would be dead from an OD by now and dead is truly what I wish I were. And I am so lonely. I am screaming out to connect with the world, but once I start talking to people I feel overwhelmed andI have to retreat. I want to run and hide and never come out. Then I get so damn lonely the whole thing starts all over again. I can't meet new people anymore I'm too ashamed, I hate the way I look and think and feel. I am just burned out. Christ, I hate the people I meet too. Maybe they are also rejects, just not mentally ill. Guys are trash anyway, but these guys are weird trash. They are a waste of time and all in all I am lucky I don't fall for people easily. Then again, I'd rather get disappointed a lot by a lot of meaningless people than hurt like I did by the one love of my life.
I can only keep the happy face on so long and lie to myself that everything is ok. I smile and laugh and really feel okay then it crashes and burns every time. At this point I don't care what it is Bipolar Disorder, depression, whatever it is, that is not the point anymore. I can't live like this. Oh God I don't even have my Kyle to call me anymore or text me. He's faded away, I can't stand it. I can't stand living in his shadow with him gone. I can't get through to him, it's like he's in a different world altogether from me. I am dead to him, he doesn't care. There's no way I can ever meet anyone else and I don't want to because of how terrible love has been for me how very brutally painful. So much hurt and abuse mentally and physically. I can't do it anymore. I want to be happy on my own. But I desire someone so badly. I try to just want to be alone and I can't. I hate it. I feel even more crazy.
I am so tired of myself. I won't get back on track now. I am exhausted and depressed and will have panic attacks all day. It will take me a monthto get back on track financially. I'll have to use my small cash stash to buy food. Food is the last thing I want right now. I have to force myself to eat so I don't get stomachpains. I ate yesterday but it was only to help soak up the liquor. God,I have to stop buying things and stop drinking but then there will be nothing left. Nothing fun, nothing exciting, nothing sociable. If I cut everything away I might as well be dead.