Therapy is tomorrow and I have yet another shit show of a month to present to my therapist. I always freeze when I’m talking to her and end up saying 10% of the stuff I needed to so I want to plan for it right now. I need to speak to her about the consistent anger I’m feeling. I just feel so pissed off all the time.
I’ve been feeling really resentful toward my friends. I’m always worried it’s my fault. She’s been telling me that I have to stop taking responsibility for other peoples actions and trying to justify my feelings. That feelings don’t have to make sense, they can just be. But I don’t want resentment to just be part of my life. I want to either forgive and let go, or end the relationship and move on. I’m in this constant cycle of feeling love for those in my life and then lighting up with rage because I feel unappreciated. I cannot seem to figure out if I’m the problem. She says I just need better friends. That maybe I’m mad because they actually do suck. But do they? Or have I just painted them in a bad light?
I talked to another friend this week and they’re doing amazing. Like crazy good. Moved to a new state got a place got a job got a SO. Their life is like a TV show. And I don’t feel envious but I did feel unaccomplished. And then like always they dropped me. That did tick me off. Then another friend is so not there that I feel like there is no point to our friendship at all. I mean really. No point at all. It’s like we’re both just there because we got used to that being the normal. And it sucks because I love them to death. I don’t want that to be how things are but they just are.
How do people let go of each other so easily?
Then the stuff with my mom and dad. Some more stuff came up. She changed her story once again. I’m not saying she’s a liar or anything I just mean its hard on my feelings. One minute she’s making me think my dad might give a damn and the next she remembers he actually doesn’t. It’s just twisting the knife in the wound.
I guess what I want to tell my therapist is this:
I’ve been really unhappy for several weeks. I’ve been waking up, taking care of the responsibilities I owe other people and then instantly turning off. I’ve been worked up and impatient and irritated. I’ve been sleeping like shit. I’m either in agony or completely apathetic. And I feel so alone it hurts. I have absolutely no one in my life. No one that cares anyway. It would be so long before anyone even noticed I wasn’t OK. No one has noticed yet and it’s been weeks. And it’s not that I’m trying to get attention or play a game with the feelings of others. I know I could speak up. I just mean it as a simple observation. No matter how much I’m hurting, as long as I’m not an inconvenience no one notices.
I’m tired of always waiting for tomorrow to be a better day. Why can’t it just be OK already?