This is hopefully the beginning of a new outlet for me, a new way to express what is going on, and how my constant anxiety is affecting my life. I honestly do not care if anyone ever reads these words, although I do hope that if anyone ever does read this that hearing just one more person\'s voice that also suffers from anxiety is helpful to further let them know they aren\'t alone, as I know it can so often feel like a very lonely struggle.

 

Realistically I\'ve been struggling with this for about 6 years now, but I only really admitted to myself that it was a real issue a little over 2 years ago. I was so optimistic when I first stared this in the face and admitted to myself and a few others what was going on, and I sought help to figure it out. I took action to make things better. I started a very regular workout routine and got into much better shape than I was. I finally and completely confronted finishing my Master\'s thesis and I finished it and made it something to be proud of. I look back on how proud I was and am of that moment and how amazing it made me feel to have that incredibly heavy weight off of my shoulders. I thought I had it licked, but I was only fooling myself. During one of final pushes to finish my thesis I broke my workout routine because I was working about 18 hours a day between my full time job and the thesis. I\'ve never went back to it, although I\'ve tried from time to time to do so. I\'m convinced that if I could get back there it might drastically improve my life again. It\'s been a pretty constant struggle to keep my life in order, but it\'s just a constant cycle that doesn\'t seem to end. What makes me angry and disappointed is that I feel like I know what I *should* do to help myself. I\'ve read different books, had appointments with a psychologist. I feel like I know a number of different strategies that would all be helpful if I actually just sincerely did them for some real period of time. Everything seems so easy when I\'m not in a period of anxiety, like it won\'t be a problem again and I feel certain that I\'ll be able to handle it next time. It makes me feel embarrassed and weak by how easily I think I just give in to it sometimes, even though I know how miserable it really does make me.

 

That\'s enough for now, I must be going. I\'m going to do the first positive thing in over four days that\'s actually social. Hopefully it helps with the anxiety, as I do know that often times even a single act of finally doing something can help break it. I don\'t have high hopes that this will, as it\'s not directed toward the source of the anxiety which is work, but my fingers are crossed….

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