Some day, I may write my entire “story” as to how I got here. I may confess the good, the bad and the ugly that brought me to this very moment, this chapter in my life. Right now I know I don’t have it in me to go back through the moments that made me the person I am today. I also hope this is just another chapter. I’ve been here before and it’s a scary place.
I suffer from anxiety and depression. I’ve been on medication for about two years now. I have tried a number of different medications on this journey and so far only one made me feel somewhat like me again. It is the drug I have taken the longest and have gone back to a few times. My main reason for stopping it is that it gets me close to my old self, but never more than that. I’m never 100% anymore and that’s where I want to be, at least sometimes.
About a month ago I started my newest medication and i’m struggling a lot. I have chest pains again, I break down crying and my mood is undeniably low. I feel like I am unable to eat and any food I do manage I can’t keep in my stomach. (Note: This is no way happening on purpose. I do not have an eating disorder, it’s just another unfortunate side-effect of anxiety.) Needless to say, i’m exhausted. I can hardly sleep, but I can’t get out of bed either. When moments really hit me, I’m honestly scared. My mind goes to a very dark place and it frightens me, especially if i’m alone.
This year has been particularly difficult. There have been a lot of unexpected and big changes, loss and so fourth. I’m not dealing with it overly well. Thankfully things haven’t been all bad and do help with trying to balance my life out. My doctor is also incredible. She’s supportive and truly cares. I wouldn’t be here without her. She reminds me that my feelings are valid and helps me through each new challenge the best she can. I’m extremely grateful to have her.
I usually go out with my friends each Friday. Yesterday I couldn’t bring myself to go, even though I just came home from a trip and haven’t seen them for some time now. I told them I was having a really hard time and thankfully they understand. There’s support but no one really asked to talk about it. No one asks anything, really. I wish they would. Saying the first bit is hard enough. I feel like if I just started pouring out my thoughts and feelings it would be a huge weight thrown on them, even if they wouldn’t mind. I just hate how asking for help and reaching out is so hard. Probably one of my biggest challenges. I don’t know how to seek help in those moments where I really need it.
Maybe I will try to write more some other time or perhaps this is the only entry I will make (I’m pretty bad at keeping up with these things, though I try not to be, it happens.) For now i’m very, very tired. Despite the time, I’m probably going to lay down for a little while. I welcome anyone to comment or message. It would be nice to have someone to talk to. Since this is a community for such topics, I would like to hear from others that may feel as I do. Maybe we could help each other.
Until next time.
– Em
