Hi to all my friends on here:

 To any of you who have read three blogs back you know what I am talking about. This is just horrible every where I walk or everything I do having to dump on my father everything I did or saw. I feel like a horrible person. There was actually an incident yesterday due to my rage. I had this once before in November of last year. I was crossing a main street coming back from my walk and a guy darted across and almost hit me. He was an older guy. I took my hands and slammed them twice on his car. I went nuts on him.

Not only am I mentally draining myself typing it and editing it as well as reading it to him. I feel I am also a horrible son doing it. He can't take it anymore. I am trying to control it but things keep getting worse. All this OCD is getting to the point between the job that I did not even interview for and being paralyzed by my way of life that I will eventually go nuts and kill myself.  Every mistake I make I tell him how I misread this word and that word. Even when I read things I can't get the story or what postion a player is or the side of their injury right. I just feel like one complete failure.

I think I keep telling him my mistakes so he does not think Marc never wants to work.  He sees and believes that I can't. The only reason I applied for that job was because the last job I had on my resume was five years ago and I was making a bet they would not call me. I think not going  which would have caused more stress by itself has made my OCD worse.  I feel so alone I am just sick of this life. It is horrible I wish it would either change or end.  To sit here and type up a list of what I saw or heard that was unimportant is wrong. I know it is. I just can't help it. Then I told my father about two hockey trades and he asked the normal question and I have a problem recalling details now so I asked do you want the list to get longer? He said no. I said I do not remember. So here I am thinking he is saying what kind of a moron reads something they will not remember? He just figured it would have helped. I then explained that is where my inferiority OCD comes in since I can't remember anything.  I do not think he realized that would trigger it but now I feel that I am expected to know all these things.

I no longer can read a paper because of what it had done to me. I read off and on for close to 10 years different parts then everything. I used to like doing it but I would obsess on how long I was spending per page and if I really understood what I was reading when I did not care for most of it.  I was also telling him things in it like I was doing with the news on the radio later on.

This is my day. Wake up a little before 5AM tell him what went on when I was sleeping on the list.  Start looking at my mail which I made sure I get very little of since I am no longer on most lists I was on before.  I was on one list where the owner sent over 10 emails a day and between reading them and trying to figure out how to respond was for the birds. I then read ESPN at a little after 5AM you can just imagine how much  I really comprehend of  that. I have to do this because where I live the son who is 52 talks all the time and my concentration is horrible as it is so I need silence.  I then start doing scores after I finish. Then I will write up interesting things I saw in the sports as well as scores. After I finish that it is time to weigh myself and get dressed. Of course back to the computer with how I either looped my belt wrong how I took a pair of socks out and the other fell how this or that happened. Finally walking. When I get home from walking all the little things that happened come in the list. Then I am either shopping or waiting for the call at about 8:50 AM. All through out the day I am extrapolating how many words I typed and how long it will be when he calls me at 4:30. So I get freaked out. Today I went to the bank. So right there was almost 600 words. My Grandmother has said if you know it is wrong why do it? I said I can't help it. If I could I would not do it.

I started coming on here again for support and I have been reading do what you have to. That reassurance in my case has led to me make these longer. I was never doing the amount of words I was supposed to do. Maybe a few times I did. But it is getting out of hand and I know it.

Again as usual any comments are appreciated.

Marc