"I painted my name on the back of a leaf
And I watched it float away
The hope I had in a notebook full of white, dry pages
Was all I tried to save
But the wind blew me back via Chicago"

I hate myself and want to disappear, right now.  I am manic as hell, right now (it’s definitely not just the anciness of post acute withdrawal).  I don’t consistently feel good when I’m manic, the way some people do.  My moods fluctuate like mad.  Sometimes my reactions aren’t as severe as they should be (my mind moves to fast to be affected), and sometimes it’s all extremity.  Profound sadness, battering my mind with hurtful thoughts and memories.  Embarrassing, and painful things just replay, over, and over.  I get so shaken up.  The PTSD does that same kind of thing on a whole other level.

Someone who was trying to comfort me earlier asked me where all this insecurity comes from.  I tried to explain.  It’s the usual shit, and then, a few unusual things.  There was a lot of damage done in my childhood (like most screwed up people, I have those stories).

"In the middle of the night
And all without fight
At the crush of veils and starlight"

But, I was never right after what happened to me, back when (when I was still pretty much a kid).  That guy f@cking mutilated me (and that’s not figurative).  I know, it’s nothing you can see, to look at me.  But, trust me, the damage is there.  Certain muscles really don’t relax the way they should because of scarring, where he cut me. 

That was the damage done.  I rarely talk about that part.  I know I’m not breaking into the messy details, but you would not thank me if I did.  (It’s pretty ugly stuff.) 

"And crawling is screw faster lash
I blow it with kisses"

I just talked to Ace.  I don’t know when I’m going to be able to calm down, and not expect him to get fed up with me.  I just feel like I’m just gonna snap one day, and say something stupid…  and, that’ll be it.  Or, he’ll just realize this is way too much to carry around for someone else…  he keeps telling me that won’t happen.  That he won’t abandon me…  rationally, I believe him, but all that fear and self-doubt is a complex, and it’ll take time to for me to break that pattern of thinking, in general.  I can’t always expect the worst from people.  It’s an irritating quality, if nothing else.  Especially when the person deserves better.  I am glad he called.

It does help, talking to him.  I’d be so lost without his help.  It’s amazing how one person can lead another through a dark place.  When I don’t trust myself, I still trust him.

"I rest my head on a pillowy star
And a cracked door moon
That says I havent gone too far"

I can’t stand feeling alone.  And, not so long ago, I felt so completely alone.  The friends I’ve made here have helped a lot with that.  None more so than Ace…  I couldn’t handle feeling that way, again, right now.  Just, lost and cold, and drifting…  I want no part of that.  I can’t stand it.  

Alone with my f@cking thoughts and memories, I tear myself up inside.  Like, I’m taking a razor blade to myself, from the inside.

I feel like an idiot – walking through this kick.  This whole clean-up process.  I know what doesn’t work for me.  I know what has, so far.  but, I know next to nothing about what I’m doing.

I feel so much sometimes.  My mind moves so quickly.

Just breathe…  

"Searching for a home

Via Chicago

I’m coming home

I’m coming home"

(Wilco,"Via Chicago")