Before I write anything, and before I forget, let me issue an apology to Mary, Heather, Andie, MoodyBlu, Snowdreamer, RedJayson, and MnCamper–in case any of you happen to read this partiuclar blog– all of whom I saw took the time to read and respond to the last couple of blogs I wrote on here a couple of months ago and whom I somehow very rudely never managed to take the time to thank for doing so. So I am thanking any of you now who might read this one too, and still planning on sending individual thanks your way, and am so so sorry that I never took the time to do so as of yet. I'm very distraught at the moment….so bear with me whomever bothers to read this because this is probably going to be a bit erratic and all over the place…ever feel like, you don't actually so much WANT to end it all, but it's more of a thing that you HAVE to???…Btw, a "subplot" to everything that's going wrong right now is that I currently am in a rift with the person who I pretty much consider my very best friend and it has an ominous feeling of being unresolvable and like our friendship is pretty much coming to an end,,,so dealing with that on top of the main issue here, which I haven't even got to yet,,,and at this moment, as I am writing this blog, I am simaltaneously(sp?) working on an email to said friend and pretty much done with it and driving myself batty as to whether to hit the "send" button on it or not….I guess it's maybe one of those things where you maybe you're just supposed to write it but just keep it for yourself and not actually send it because it can/will potentially cause even more trouble?…Or is it one I in fact should send?…Don't know, don't know….but it's bugging me….
Hey, been a while since I blogged here…Did they do something different with the blogging format here?….Something about it looks different…
So about that part about should I end it all out of HAVING to more than wanting to?…It's, what, November 25th?….I'm supposed to be out of my apartment by Nov 30th(or Dec 1st..can't recall which one)…But as of now, I have nothing accomplished towards it,,,no plan, no one to help me, no money for a U-haul or movers, no idea what to do with all the furniture I need to get out of there and won't need since I'm moving in with my mother, and no money to hire someone to clean it as best as possible once I have everything moved out since it is an absolute freaking horrific mess and I'll be lucky if I don't get sued by the owners let alone no way in hell will I get my security deposit back…add to all of that the fact that I estimate moving–a stressful thing for anyone–is about 10x more stressful for me since I am cursed with absolutely horrendous organizational skiils and some kind of visual-spatial disability…and it all adds up to me being in a n anxiety-filled mess of a world of trouble 5 days before I'm supposed to be out of there…
Oh yeah, the part about moving in with my mother…See, that's the other…whatever the hell the word is I'm looking for and can't think of in this whole mess: I'm apparently still in denial up to the bitter end here that I am this man at the age I am who has to move in with his mother…I'm so, so upset about it,,,so to the last minute here metaphorically speaking dragging myself kicking & screaming to do it,,,so unsure of whether I made the right decision or not and if I would be better off retaining my independence and keeping my own place even if it means losing my car(elaborated on this a lot more on my last 2-3 blogs before this one)….I DON'T WANT TO BE one of those guys"living in his mother's basement" and considered pathetic and a loser for doing so, and I am just days away from officially becoming that, and I absolutely dread it….
Back to my friend and the letter,,,,still can't decide whether to send it, and it's really upsetting me…why the f*@k couldn't he just accept my offer to call a truce and put it behind us and move on??? Why the hell did he decide he wasn't willing to do that and thereby adding to my worries and stress and fears this ccould all lead to monumental depression???…Why? Why?….You know, the other thing is, if I lose him as a friend, that will be the second good friend I have managed to drive out of my life in the last three years,,,The first one, despite my apologies, refuses to reconcile with me…and, you know, I realize I am the common denominator here,,,,and, by G-d, as much as I've felt I've done this Look-in-the-mirror s^#t freaking a zillion times in my life already…apparently, I need to do so again…
So anyway, this is where it stands,,,and I got a bottle of Elavil and Remeron(unused/unfinished RX's from many many months ago because I ended up going off of them or didn't need them anymore or something like that; can't even recall offhand. Anyway, it was all done with Dr's approval in case you were wondeing) in addition to the current RXs I have,,,,and it's like, although not feeling overwhelming suicidal tendencies despite all this mess and hell I'm dealing with,,,,but…you know,,,,it's all boiling down to a situation where I'm going to be a pain in the ass to so many people—again….and where it's going to be an embarrasing and humiliating situation in my life–again…and it's like,,,,wouldn't I just be saving me and everyone else a lot of headaches and frustration and worries and concerns if I just wasn't here anymore???,,,,Yeah, yeah, all that bs about it being selfish and I would devastate them if I did that blah blah blah…but what good is it being here if no one really wants to deal with you anyway or finds you a perpetual nuisance more than anything else and just kind of here but not really mattering?..
I don't know…I don't know…horrible stuff for me to say, I know…but…just so tired of getting into these messes, and even more tired of just always crumbling and being so cluless and lost as to how to handle them. I'm lost…I'm frustrated….and,,,,I just don't know what to do,,,,I don't know what happens if they knock on my door on Dec 1st and I'm not moved out yet,,,,I don't know if II get arrested or they get a court order forcing me out and throw all my stuff out on the lawn or what,,,,Anyway, hopefuly writing about it at least will prove therapeutic like it sometimes does. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read.
There has been many people who had to go stay with family for a while because of being in similar situations. I don't regard them as loser's. Some of my very close friends have been in this situation and albeit not what any of us wants at an older age, it's what we do to make it through.
Nothing is permanent. You can always get back on your feet in time.As so many before you did.
I can't count the number of friends I have had just in the last 2 years alone, that wanted to end it all because of having to move back home, or having their marriage end in divorce, or feeling too much stress to carry on.
Life can be messy. But it is quite possible to move through it all, and come out on the other side.But it is a choice only you can make.
Don't give up on yourself just yet. Take deep breaths, and try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, which I realize can be very tiny and difficult to see.
But ending it all, you cancel out any sort of happiness that can be down the road.
I've heard so many people in my life tell me, "I am so glad that I pushed through that mess to have this memory happen, or to meet this person, or to have this now happen in my life, etc."
There really can be better in the future.
It is very difficult to lose a close friendship. If it means that much to you though, don't give up on that either. Sometimes all people need is time to move past their hurt and anger.
I wish you all the best. And I hope you saw something good out of this reply.
We're all struggling along here, but we are all wanting better. You are not alone in feeling this badly. But feeling badly again is only temporary. Give yourself a chance and don't let a difficult situation overcome you, and break you. It may seem like a huge mountain, but don't le it take everything away from you forever.