Like I thought it would, my depressive episodes came back. They're so close together that I can't even tell them apart anymore-whether it's an episode after an episode, or just one big one. But the feelings are elevating. I went to a herbal shop by the campus today, and picked up some herbs for period issues (on 90-day pill and still not due for another 2 1/2 weeks, but just in case the symptoms are bad). I also picked up St. John's Wort to try out for depression so I'll be trying that tonight. The cashier saw my purchases and gave me a free "hormonal" lollipop of some kind to help out. She was nice. Trying the pop tonight, but have no idea what it's supposed to do.
Just kidding, trying it out now. Tastes like sugar mixed with herbs. Not bad.
Despite seeing the campus counseling services, my depression is getting worse-especially in the last few weeks…the last few days. I had to skip class tonight because it was so bad. I'm really not doing too good right now. I'm at the end.
I miss smoking.
I love this school, but there are too many assholes. I've had too many bad experiences at parties. And of course, with depression, comes the abuse of alcohol. Bad enough for me to say that I have all Frats at this school. Girls are crazy too, but haven't had too many encounters.
I got a concussion at a party too. It was pretty bad. But ever since that concussion, I've dropped many people from my life-who are fake, or just here to take advantage of me and drop me after they've got what they want. In the end, I don't really have anybody. I have a few friends that I'm not close to. Ones that might be a little quirky or overly outgoing.
All I know is that I can't talk to any of them because I don't want to overwhelm them or hand my problems over to them. So in the end, I'm alone, and I think that the depression is bottling up. It's become so vigorous, that for more than half of today, my heart and my throat felt tightened up, and when I was walking from errand to errand, class to class, I had to bite on my tongue to avoid bursting into tears. What nonsense.
This is so irregular, irrational, I just want it to go away. It hurts.