The counseling services here have rather inconvenient hours. They're open from 8AM-5PM on weekdays only. And since most classes fall between those hours…

What constitutes an emergency? My counselor always tells me to come in during hours or go to the hospital uptown in case of an emergency, but… what constitutes an emergency? For me, I'd have to be half-dead. Even then I'd probably not go. Dying is better than going to the hospital again and being too afraid to try getting in and otherwise sitting there being stared at but otherwise ignored 😉

I didn't wake up until 1 today. I decided to stop taking my medication. Including my sleeping antipsychotics. They just aren't helping. The Seroquel definitely helps me sleep but even so it seems to make me even more tired. Even getting nearly 7 hours a day it's been hard staying awake this week especially. I think I fell asleep in english class once o_o But I can't remember. Or it could just be me, I always seem to function better on fewer hours. I've taken naps virtually everyday this week and it's been so hard getting out of them that I've almost missed class once.

But if they aren't helping… I feel incredibly guilty wasting my mom's money on my hopeless self. Here I am sitting here wasting away at college doing nothing, knowing that it will turn into a futile, waste of money, and we can't afford right now to take the dog into the vet's… trust me when I say I'm the most useless piece of crap to ever exist.

Speaking of crap, all I had to eat today was a Hot Pocket. I don't have the energy to get up and drag myself down the stairs let alone shopping in front of people.

I don't know if I can stand coming back here another year. But of course I will. No matter how much I want to quit, I'm a stubborn ass with a penchant for suffering. Gotta live up to expectations!

Speaking of spending money, my mom mentioned taking me to this lady in PA that treats selective mutism. But it supposedly costs $300 per visit So I guess I'm going to waste even more money. She doesn't even realize that I'm one large personality problem. She still thinks that if I magically get over SM then I'll be cured. But I can't say no… to anything. Got to act like there's still hope, like I'm still trying. Like there's reason to try; a rainbow on the other side of the broken bridge.

What is love anyway (a miserable pile of secrets? sorry, Castlevania on the brain)? Attraction… how much friendship would you gamble on blind feeling? An incredibly difficult question when you've got everything to lose. Is it worth longing but always doubting?

Putting someone else's happiness above your own desires? Knowing that you can only bring them down, knowing that they can do so much better…

For the avoidant personality the imminent specter of rejection must be the ultimate factor…

As for me, as much as I hate myself and say I'm not good enough, I'm higher-grade than many of these people we're supposed to envy (i.e. abusers). It's just a confusion of terms. Because I'm still not good enough. I wouldn't make a good other. Because of what I've become. These are the things I can never do.

Let alone separating truth from fiction, in my own emotions and the actions of others…


Secrets die with me.


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