time is somthing i dont have much of right now.

i have 2 weeks if that, to decided what i want to do at uni, send off all my completed perfect UCAS application. i have no idea what i want to do, or even if i want to go to uni at all.

i need to learn to drive.

i have one week, well till Ded 2nd to have all my work since Sept 21st completed for assesment.

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My anxiety & depression are getting really bad. i said i was goin to get help, but im to embaressed/ scared to do it. i dont want to admit that i need help again. i dont want to admit that im lossing control.

im terrified im going to runi my relationship with matt because of the pressure and demands i make on him. i get angry with him quickly, and i vent all my fustration and confusion on to him. becasue i have no control over anything else in my life, i try and control too much of the relationship. i expect too much from him. if he texts me saying he’s finishing at 5ish and then he’ll come over, and i find out he’s seeing our friend steve who he hasnt seen on his own for a while i get mad, but u shouldnt. i just get mad cos i wish he’d have told me. but why should he have to tell me every little detail of his day, or what he’s doin exsactly as he’s doing it.

i have very few friends. even fewer that i can talk to about my problems. – i have georgie, steve, cameron, bonnie, alex, chris, alex.s, jess, brooker & lewis, mia & matt. out of those who can i really talk to, alex(at uni), alex.s, jess(gone to france for 6months) & matt.  / i see matt more than alex.s so he ends up listing to all my problems all the time. i think im too much for him. i have too many responsibilities with in my family, im not as free to be 18 as he is. im not saying im more mature, but im forced to live a more adult life.

i cook my family dinner if my dads at work, even if im vomiting and cant eat myself. i still tidy & hoover the house & clean up everyone else’s lunch and breakfast mess even if ive been at uni all day. i feed the dogs & cats. i make sure tvs. & lights are turned off. i have to find out what everyone else is doing so then i can plan around them, sometimes it means i have to stay at home & cook dinner and put dogs out even when my friends are watching films and taking road trips to random places for fun. i cant do these things becasue i have to be at home, keeping everything together so that my step mum can go to yoga 3 times a week, & my dad can do night shifts instead of day. i feel like i keep this whole family working; okay i dont make the money to keep a roof over our heads; so maybe its fair then that i do all the housework and medial tasks like clean bathrooms n floors becasue everyone is too busy or stressed.

i love matt but im worried im pushing him away. i feel like im being a crappy pushy, girlfriend who wont let her boyfirend do anything by himself or for himself.