What a week I am having! I am going around my house looking at all this Christmas stuff around and instead of being happy, I want nothing more than to put everything in a pile and light a match! The holidays mean nothing to me anymore. If my kids weren't still living with me, I wouldn't even put this stuff up anymore. It used to be that we would put everything up together and put all the ornaments on the tree. They wouldn't even help me bring in the box! They have the same attitude about it that I do. Why even bother? I can't even get them anything for under the tree this year. I am lucky that I can even pay my bills and I don't have any money left over for anything else. My son lost his job about a month ago and hasn't been able to find another one. I have been looking for 6 months to find something to do from home, and my daughter is trying to get her senior year in high school done and find a job at the same time. We are all broke fools up in here!

The holidays make me feel even lonlier than ever. I keep hearing from my ex that I kicked out a couple of months ago. He is now in Afghanistan and keeps wanting to get back together when he gets back next month. He keeps telling me that it will be different and he won't do what he did again this time. I don't believe him. Once you hit, you will do it again. I don't trust him anymore and it will never be the same again. But I feel myself getting weak because I hate being alone. Who was it that said, "lonliness is the human condition"? Someone needs to hunt that fool down and beat him senseless! I would bet my bottom dollar the person who said that isn't by themselves. One thing though, lonely is better than being with someone who you are afraid of.

The thought of having to start all over agin with someone makes me tired before I even start. Dating has never been my strong suit even before I was diagnosed. They fell into two categories, one night stand or with them for several years. If I had a choice, several years is better! I had too many "coyote ugly" moments back in the day. You know the ones, you wake up in the morning, and have no idea where you are or who you are with. Once you figure out the details, you would rather chew your own arm off than wake them up, then crawl away in shame. One draw back to the several years is the drama that seems to follow. I'm afraid if I bring home another loser my kids are going to lock me in a closet somewhere! Alone seems to work better for them, at least then they don't have to deal with the drama. That was always a big problem with my ex-he always thought he had to be the "father figure" to them. I kept trying to tell him, wrong way to go about things. They don't even have to deal with that with their own fathers. He always thought they were younger than they are, and they needed disipline. Wrong! He treated them like his troops. I kept telling him, they aren't buck privates, they are teenagers and they have their own way of doing things. As long as they don't get arrested, I don't care what they do. They are pretty good about stuff anyway. I never treated them like they were kids. I always treated them like equals.

I wish that things could be different and I could at least find some type of peace of mind. Happiness would be great too! I not picky though!


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