As my emotions have built up over the years, they have just recently turned into a depression in which i thought i would never experience. I make an effort to hide my emotions and yet everyone can see right through me.
I walk the halls at my High School surrounded by 100’s of kids all around my age, yet i feel so alone, and even worse i feel invisible. Many kids around the world suffer from my OCD’s and from depression and they handle it by cutting, drinking, and drugs only that is not my thing. Unlike them i barrie myself in food. Sadly my food intake is based on my vehemence; the worse i feel the more food i eat. I feel as if eating is the only thing i have 100% control over without worrying about what everyone else thinks of me or without the sense of guilt. Well that is until the next morning when i jump on the scale and see that i weigh around 200 lbs at the age of 15. I’ve been attempting diets ever since the day i can remember but they never seem to work. This is because i feel as if i end up loosing the only thing i have control over, because it is then transferred to the control of other peoples’ opinoins about me. It has been brought to my attention that it might be more than that.
Is it because i’m afraid that things are not going to change once i become thin?
Will guys still turn the other cheek and feel embrrased for making any contact with me, what is it that mkae me afraid to change?
Personally i never thought i would be the girl with all of the insecurities, yet i am THE girl. I mean am i the only one on this planet that cries at the sight of happiness, becausei feel as if i dont deserve it? I wish i knew where all of these feelings came from and what they all mean besides im insain…