As my emotions have built up over the years, they have just recently turned into a depression in which i thought i would never experience. I make an effort to hide my emotions and yet everyone can see right through me.

I walk the halls at my High School surrounded by 100’s of kids all around my age, yet i feel so alone, and even worse i feel invisible. Many kids around the world suffer from my OCD’s and from depression and they handle it by cutting, drinking, and drugs only that is not my thing. Unlike them i barrie myself in food. Sadly my food intake is based on my vehemence; the worse i feel the more food i eat. I feel as if eating is the only thing i have 100% control over without worrying about what everyone else thinks of me or without the sense of guilt. Well that is until the next morning when i jump on the scale and see that i weigh around 200 lbs at the age of 15. I’ve been attempting diets ever since the day i can remember but they never seem to work. This is because i feel as if i end up loosing the only thing i have control over, because it is then transferred to the control of other peoples’ opinoins about me. It has been brought to my attention that it might be more than that.

Is it because i’m afraid that things are not going to change once i become thin?

Will guys still turn the other cheek and feel embrrased for making any contact with me, what is it that mkae me afraid to change?

Personally i never thought i would be the girl with all of the insecurities, yet i am THE girl. I mean am i the only one on this planet that cries at the sight of happiness, becausei feel as if i dont deserve it? I wish i knew where all of these feelings came from and what they all mean besides im insain…

 

3 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    We are all alone.  We are absolutely  the only ones that inhabit our skin and think our thoughts in our brain.  We make contact with others with conversation, engaging in mutual interests etc. Each and everyone of us with or without ocd, experience being alone and lonliness.  We feel the most alone when we try to run from ourselves.  Face the things we fear, get past them.  When we really know ourselves and are comfortable with ourselves as we REALLY are, then we will be able to be comfortable with others.

    As for the eating, as you describe it, you do not have control over your eating.  It is controlling you.  It is preventing you from developing social skills and it has made you physically different from your peers.  Your food problem is an ocd problem at this point.

    As for being a girl with all these insecureities, the truth of the matter is we all possess insecurities, but we go forward in spite of them.  A lot of life can feel very uncomfortable  for a long time.  This is because you do not know who you are. You haven’t found your center yet.  If you don’t give up or run away, you will find the real you and you will be happy with her.  I promise.

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  2. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    I think Mz3amPoet has given you very good feedback.  Consider it.  Mine own was a bit abstract and clinical and maybe inappropriate ,even if true, for you.  I wish you the very best.  You have your whole life before you.  Best wishes.

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  3. whoopie94 11 years ago

    Thank you so much everyone… i love all of the support that i am getting from joining this website. But yes i have seeked help, i went to a very highly regarded OCD specialized Therpaist at the U of M. And although i was on prozac and i went to therapy 2 times a week, it just wasnt for me. I prefer to talk to people that are not doctors when it comes to my issues. Personally i have overcome all of my OCD’s except for that of eating. I am working with my mom at the moment, she has me writing in a journal every night which is the PERFECT therapy for me. I LOVE IT and for those of you who do seek help i reccomend writing in a journal also.

    ~WHOOPIE94~

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