I’ve been in bed since Sunday morming.   I have not showered, brushed my teeth or washed my hair.

At 1a as I lay awake I determined that I was getting up today.   Since then I have had panic attacks as I think of all the things I have neglected as I lay in bed unable to bring myself to answer phone calls, look at emails or respond to messages.

Normally I would feel guilty or devastated or ashamed.   Today I feel angry.   I feel robbed.   I feel fuelled by my brokeness.

For the past month I have been balancing or trying to balance my coping mechanism which is alcohol.    I tried AA the previous month and decided it was not for me.

Unfortunately I didn’t explore the reasons AA didn’t work and when life started getting harder, I self medicated.   When I self medicate I get frenzied.   When I am up I feel no pain, when I come down I crash.  Every crash is harder.    Picking myself up gets more and more difficult.

Yesterday I scoured the internet for every screening I could.    I know my ACE score, I know that my childhood trauma has damaged me beyond even my own comprehension, I know I have been suffering sometype of mental illness for a long time .   I know that the therapist I paid for a session who then turned around and used that session to try and get a free consulatation on how to expand his business was wrong.   I know the therapist who wanted to hand me pills without hearing me speak during that counseling session was horrible.   I know I need to find a therapist who can help.  And this is why I am angry.    This is why I am getting up and fighting today.  I won’t let my abusers continue to rob me of my life.   I won’t allow bad therapists who abuse their positions to stop me from finding good ones.

I will not cower in my bed, rotting.    I am going to find a way to fix me.

I hope this inspires someone else to rise today.   To remember the feeling of clean teeth, the smell of soap on your skin and how sometimes just taking a shower empowers and shifts the mind.

Peace and blessings.