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I’ve been in bed since Sunday morming.   I have not showered, brushed my teeth or washed my hair.

At 1a as I lay awake I determined that I was getting up today.   Since then I have had panic attacks as I think of all the things I have neglected as I lay in bed unable to bring myself to answer phone calls, look at emails or respond to messages.

Normally I would feel guilty or devastated or ashamed.   Today I feel angry.   I feel robbed.   I feel fuelled by my brokeness.

For the past month I have been balancing or trying to balance my coping mechanism which is alcohol.    I tried AA the previous month and decided it was not for me.

Unfortunately I didn’t explore the reasons AA didn’t work and when life started getting harder, I self medicated.   When I self medicate I get frenzied.   When I am up I feel no pain, when I come down I crash.  Every crash is harder.    Picking myself up gets more and more difficult.

Yesterday I scoured the internet for every screening I could.    I know my ACE score, I know that my childhood trauma has damaged me beyond even my own comprehension, I know I have been suffering sometype of mental illness for a long time .   I know that the therapist I paid for a session who then turned around and used that session to try and get a free consulatation on how to expand his business was wrong.   I know the therapist who wanted to hand me pills without hearing me speak during that counseling session was horrible.   I know I need to find a therapist who can help.  And this is why I am angry.    This is why I am getting up and fighting today.  I won’t let my abusers continue to rob me of my life.   I won’t allow bad therapists who abuse their positions to stop me from finding good ones.

I will not cower in my bed, rotting.    I am going to find a way to fix me.

I hope this inspires someone else to rise today.   To remember the feeling of clean teeth, the smell of soap on your skin and how sometimes just taking a shower empowers and shifts the mind.

 

Peace and blessings.

1 Comment
  1. delane1 3 years ago

    i’m proud of you, JayLia! ***hugs***
    What you just blogged was a pretty big mouthful of information. i totally agree with your stance on not allowing the so-called-therapists or doctors or whatever they’re supposed to be, to hold YOU back, any longer! We also have to remember that doctors, therapists, etc. are all supposed to be humans, too. That means they ALL make mistakes and either learn from them or are destined to repeat them and possibly, cause a LOT more damage, in the long run. Please, let us know how things go–either way. i’m pullin for ya!!!!!

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