I’ve been in bed since Sunday morming. I have not showered, brushed my teeth or washed my hair.
At 1a as I lay awake I determined that I was getting up today. Since then I have had panic attacks as I think of all the things I have neglected as I lay in bed unable to bring myself to answer phone calls, look at emails or respond to messages.
Normally I would feel guilty or devastated or ashamed. Today I feel angry. I feel robbed. I feel fuelled by my brokeness.
For the past month I have been balancing or trying to balance my coping mechanism which is alcohol. I tried AA the previous month and decided it was not for me.
Unfortunately I didn’t explore the reasons AA didn’t work and when life started getting harder, I self medicated. When I self medicate I get frenzied. When I am up I feel no pain, when I come down I crash. Every crash is harder. Picking myself up gets more and more difficult.
Yesterday I scoured the internet for every screening I could. I know my ACE score, I know that my childhood trauma has damaged me beyond even my own comprehension, I know I have been suffering sometype of mental illness for a long time . I know that the therapist I paid for a session who then turned around and used that session to try and get a free consulatation on how to expand his business was wrong. I know the therapist who wanted to hand me pills without hearing me speak during that counseling session was horrible. I know I need to find a therapist who can help. And this is why I am angry. This is why I am getting up and fighting today. I won’t let my abusers continue to rob me of my life. I won’t allow bad therapists who abuse their positions to stop me from finding good ones.
I will not cower in my bed, rotting. I am going to find a way to fix me.
I hope this inspires someone else to rise today. To remember the feeling of clean teeth, the smell of soap on your skin and how sometimes just taking a shower empowers and shifts the mind.
Peace and blessings.