I made it to church today. I go to a great church alternative church that I love. I fell asleep last night late thinking “god has a plan for this” I know God has a plan for this.

I just don't know what it is. And I have to remember that I don't need to know. I just have to have faith. For a moment last night I felt truly like nothing is in my control. I think I am beginning to understand the true meaning of powerlessness. I can't just fix this problem. I can't slap a bandaid on it and call it good. this problem is bigger than me and my family. Decisions still have to be made. life still has to be lived. and three little girls still need a lot of love. I'm in a unique position to relive a painful part of my past and see it with fresh eyes. The lessons here are deep and painful. but God wouldn't take us there if he didn't think we could handle it right? I'm being given the opportunity to right some of the wrongs that were done to me when i was a child and in doing I can hopefully bring to an end the cycle of abuse. Of course there is always a choice. And my my spiritual heart tells me that I can't judge my siblings on their reactions. each of us is given a choice, free will. I can only do what I think is right. but it is hard. i'm struggling with the resentments and anger and frustration with some of my siblings. wanting to cut into their defenses of distance and emotional detachment from these girls and say “don't you see? this is our chance, these girls are us” we are being given an opportunity to share love with these girls and possibly heal some of the pain our own inner child is feeling. Ah, but this is only the view from where I sit. My messages are coming through loud and clear: do not judge. I don't have the right to judge anyone. I have to work on that.