"It’s the common reactor
It’s the long way out
It’s the stream of a motion blur
That swirls around til you drown"

Took some pills to put myself out last night – I think I over did it a little.  I took them right before I talked to Ace on the phone, and I really don’t remember anything after that conversation.  I think I just slept through the night (I have a vague recolection of being up and around awake at one point, but I was pretty zombie-like (if it even happened).  

Still dodging the smack.  Seeing this shrink could go well, but it does scare me.  I am terrified of those drugs.  I know it might seem goofy, being afraid of drugs that might help me when I’ve taken sh*t for years, on a daily basis, that was anything but therapeutic, but we are talking about some terrible potential side effects.  The side effects of mood stabilizers are much more serious than the side effects associated with antidepressants – really bad shit.  And, shallow as it may sound, I CANNOT take something that will make me gain weight.  I am a recovering anorexic – a sudden weight gain, that’s beyond my control, would send me into a spiral that would wreck my mind, and I would probably get obssessed with my diet, again.

"It’s the colorless picture
In a heart shaped frame
The silhouette of a dough eyed girl
Who at one point had a name"

I had a friend, years ago, who said to me, one night, "Kit…  you’re a powerful woman."  (Haha…)  at the time he was referring to the fact that three guys (one pining ex, and two good friends – as it happens, one of the friends was Charlie) in love with me a the same time (nothing I had wanted to have happen).

Most of the people I was friends with back then (just before I got with Charlie) were fake pieces of sh*t.  But, it’s easy not to see that sh*t in the people you call your friends.  Now, I’m a little older, and I know not to associate much with the kind of people I would NEVER want to be like (I do hang with a couple such people, but not a lot – in general my friends are bitching peope.  Not like The Shady Bunch – my makeshift southside family that was composed of angstful teens, armed to the teeth, and making money hand over fist.  I loved those kids, but most of them are gone.  Why they are gone, and I am still here, I don’t know.  I would’ve given my life to save Dale’s.  I think about him more than most.  He looked like a younger version of my friend Quinn.

"Let’s break the window panes
And separate the walls from all the nails
Cause maybe if we’re loud we’ll stay alive
While everybody wants to join the fight
But now it’s too late"

I saw Dale get shot, and there was nothing I could do.  Absolutely nothing…  I wasn’t even able to stay with him.  I was dragged away by the f*ckers who who shot him.  They were going to rape me, and my friend Chris (a girl), but help arrived before that happened.  It was all so long ago, but I’ll never get it out of my head.  It’s one of those places where part of my mind will always linger.

"Brush away all the memories
Keep the cries curbside
I’ll be ashing on the images
That have all been caught inside"
But i couldn’t put it down
No I couldn’t put it down
No I couldn’t put it down"

I always tried to deny that Quinn’s likeness to Dale meant nothing to me, but I am sure it had an affect on my attraction to him, and his ability to manipulate me.  He was my best friend – he looked like this kid I felt responsible for (whose death I felt responsible for), and he knew all the right buttons to push to seduce me.  Whatever…  I shouln’t bash Quinn.  I’m no idiot.  I made my own choices.  He may not have intended to manipulate me.  But, I guess it hardly matters.  Either way, he betrayed me when he cut and run and left me to twist in the wind alone, without so much as a "goodbye," or "I still care," or even, "I’m sorry, but I have to go, now."  Anything…  but whatever…

Have to let all that go, now.  There’s a Fiona Apple song I used to sing, and a particular lyric pops into my head when I think about Quinn:  "I’ll idealize and realize that it’s no sacrifice because the price is pain, and there’s nothing left to grieve."

On a happier note, Ace and I had a couple of great conversations, yesterday.  We talked about some really cool shit.  He really saved me from myself by becoming my friend.  It’s great when someone appreciates you, at your craziest.  When they can see the best through the veil of the worst…

Charlie and I had a good time during both our rainy outings.  Walking around in the rain in Chicago is great, as long as it isn’t too cold out.  We laughed and had a good time.  I also got exercise, and that’s important.  Charlie is getting stronger.  Strong enough that he doesn’t need me to keep him in check the same way, which is good for both of us.

The last time I went walking with Em, we went to my favorite spot on the beach.  It’s a park right next to Loyola Beach, where you can swing, and look out at the sand water, and sky.  So peaceful…  At night, and sometimes during the day…  but when Em and I went there the last time, after I picked us up some pizza slices and caramel coffee drinks, we spotted a cardinal by the swings.  It hopped around, seeming quite content.  I really liked watching it.  We stood still until it flew away.

I am worried about the mood stabilizers, but I know my impulse control is shot, and I have been feeling more and more like I could be getting manic.  I don’t know – I am never the best judge, and what I have been going through causes all kinds of shifts in mood.  Anyway, gotta run.

"Let’s break the window panes
And separate the walls from all the nails
Cause maybe if we’re loud we’ll stay alive
While everybody wants to join the fight
Cause even if we barricade the door and seal it with the
Blood found on the floor
We’re always going to cross the finish line
While everybody wants to run and hide
But now it’s too late"

(Silversun Pickups "Common Reactor")