Tomorrow I go to PP to see what might be going on with me. I have a feeling what it might be, my boyfriend of almost a year had his mind made up on what is the problem when I first started feeling like this. I'm scared and sad. He talks about how he loves me but then he turns around and is a douche about the situation. This past week I've sought him for comfort, for love, he's only shown me a cold shoulder, he doesn't want anything to do with me until there's nothing in me.
I don't want it, I've never wanted one. I'm still young. I have my whole life a head of me, there's so many options that I can choose for my life. He's confused, he wants one so bad, but he doesn't want to pay for one. He looks at the emotional part of the situation, then I bring him to reality. We don't have enough money, all of the things that will happen to me, it will be the death of his freedom, my freedom, and our bank accounts.
When we argue about it we have to be quiet, we live right next to his family. They own the place, we just pay rent. My name isn't on the lease, if they hear about what I want to do they'll kick me out into the streets. We've talked about it, he won't be there for me. He won't give up his home for me. I gave up my home and my family to be with him, and if I get kicked out then he won't see me anymore. He's told me all of this himself. If I get kicked out for getting rid of what's wrong with me then he won't be with me anymore, he won't even talk to me anymore. I doubt he loves me like he says.
Tomorrow I find out what's wrong, I pray to God that it's not what we think it is. Either way it will be expensive. He's already told me that he'll pay half of this medical bill, but if it's what we think then he won't pay for the next appointment. $500 for one appointment, or every paycheck for the next 18 years? I'm scared and I'm sad.
I'm sad because I know that if things go how they probably will then either way I'll probably lose him and be out on the street. If the doctor says I have it then I'll lose him. I know that he'll do what he thinks is the "honorable thing" but I know that it will be miserable, and I don't want anyone to be miserable. If I get rid of it then I know that even though he doesn't want the finanical burden I'll still lose him because he sees it as murder, he wants one but can't afford one.
I'm not ready to raise one. I know this. I am just starting to be able to properly take care of myself, I can't take care of something else as well. I can take care of a puppy, but that's it, I don't want the responsibility, I don't want to raise anything. I grew up with a horrible father and a mother that worked 3 jobs to support the house and make sure that my sisters and I got what we needed. I can't do that, I'm not strong enough to do that. My mother finally found happiness after years of misery and loneliness. Even while she was on her death bed she somehow got better and then still had years of struggles that I know I couldn't survive or even handle.
Tomorrow I start down the road to see what will happen to me. Depending on what the doctor says depends on what my options are. I don't want things to be bad again, I don't want to be scraping for meals, I don't want to have to take care of someone else until I'm ready. I don't want to be in this situation!