It’s been over a yearrrrrrrrrrrrrr..
It’s 2:07 a.m.
I really don’t know what to write other than incomprehensible stuff to pass the time..and to get some of whatever this is out.. don’t know what IT is..all I know is that I am RELUCTANT to do ANYTHING…something is keeping me from it all..and I when I say it all I mean the very basic things in getting up out of my bed..Depression just knocked on my door last month and slowly went away…and now I can hear it pulling up again.
People stimulate me. But large crowds also overwhelm me. I need to be around people constantly..at least knowing they’re in the same building..or else I feel extremely aloneeee. Beyond loneliness..way beyond. Libraries are a good solution..but it can be too too quiet..Barnes & Nobles and/or Borders can sometimes be a little better..sometimes alot better..browsing around like I’m looking for books but really just wanting to be near the warmth and comfort of people.
I really want to get out of my house..get out of Texas..out of my head.
It’s painful here..unhealthy..so bad that I really "want" to remove myself out of the entire equation..I feel scared sometimes that I may bring the so-called happy people down. My best friend..lol don’t know if I can really say that anymore..doesn’t really talk to me anymore unless he wants something or has no one else to talk to..I’m too nice..I haven’t felt accepted..from not being good enough for a regular university..not accepted by the best friend..not accepted by my family if I told them that one secret..well my mom knows..which thank god she hasn’t brought it up again.
I want out of myself..this closet..and sometimes my life altogether. Dramaticery is almost never my thing..I don’t ever speak these feelings..which is probaly why they are coming out the way that they are in this translation from my mind to this blog..I don’t have anyone close..long distance sucks..I want someone actually physically here with me..a significant other..a friend nearby that I could leave my house and go talk to..too much is happening inside my head..and it’s been too long..I hear as time goes on the ocd just gets worse..well if that’s the case I honestly don’t know how long I will last. This is a war..Ironically I am in the Navy Reserves as a master at arms lol..but I’ve got all this internal fear and uncertainty..which gets put on hold when I’m busy..but I always know that when my tasks are done these feelings always come up again..I can’t escape them..yet I’m still optimistic about it..maybe the reason I still have that little inkling of control in my life..that’s my control.
I have goals..dreams..aspirations..blah..blah..my problem is taking the first step and moving out of the stagnant..just fucking moving..crying my eyes out to myself trying to take control of the situation..it’s pathetic..I’m stuck in the doorway as they say..which is wierd to say when I am conciously aware of the fact that I am a prime example of that phrase..I never have noticed it before..but that’s me in a nutshell.
I loathe it..and I can’t stop crying..this is wearing me down..I feel like it’s..whatever IT really is..is ruining me..this officially is a cry for help.
I read your blog and thought I was reading about myself. Reluctance, tell me about it. Afraid to try anything new, procrastinate about the thing I have to fo. Spend lots of time feeling lonely. Do go out, but that reluctance is there big time, making it forever, till I get out the door. Sometimes I exhaust myself and can’t get out the door. I don’t like to be alone. I don’t like crouds either. When I was in school and they’d take us to pep rallies and stuff like that, I wanted to escape so bad. On the other hand, if people come to see me, I caan feel crouded out. I also feel like they stay too long and then am lonely when they leave.
I have learned some tactics over the years. I journal my fears, obsessions and anxieties. I didn’t think it helped for the longest time, but I persisited anyway. Now I can write my way to clarity, so that I don’t dump on people. I also have pets. They aren’t a substitue; but they are there when ordinarily, no one else would be. I think other things happened like living long enough to be realistic about what I have to do for myself and what I can get from others. Like most people, I don’t deal well with rejection in real life, but handle it ok on line.
I know what it feels like not to be able to rely on myself, my mood, my enthusiasm, or my interest.
I read you blog and felt like I met a fellow traveler.