So… Last night I intended to write something funny. I even titled it 'Imma Funny!' And what did I end up with? The dark piece I posted on MySpace. ( http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=72337512&blogID=370709580 ).
I wanted something that would make me laugh. I don't care if any of you laugh… I mean… I do. It would be nice to have others think I'm funny… but it isn't always necessary. Bah, who am I kidding? I want you all to love me!
I post something dark and moody. And honestly I was surprised that it all just… materialized itself the way it did. It's in no way good… I mean… I like it, and I think that I did an ok job… but it's not something I will run off and expect to get printed anywhere. I write. And I feel better after doing so. I can look at that piece and feel good that I somehow put something out there that I took the time to make.
Granted… That story's probably been told before. Something someone said to me the other night… it kept ringing in my ears. (The most recent guy to hurt me told me that he hated that I was hurting because of him… and if he could put a gun to his head and pull the trigger… he would. Lying jerk.) So I took the time last night to just type it out. I can't stand to have my head full of such crap, especially if it's already chock full of other lame shite.
I wake up tired. I hate that people assume because I lay in bed X amount of hours that I'm somehow getting more rest then they did. I never understand why everyone has their head… shoved so far up their ass. Don't they get tired of being that stupid? It's the same with why I weigh what I do, or how I feel about religion or politics. I don't quite understand why, in the world we live in, people are so darn stupid. Dumbing down… I suppose.
Wouldn't it be amazing if everyone understood we all think and believe differently… but that we can get along and find a way to live without throwing hate at one another?
I watch the news… CNN, FOX, MSNBC… The local news… and it's no wonder I live like I do. It's no wonder I've grown tired of trying to make myself fit into a box that everyone thinks of as normal. There is no normal. And there is no pleasing everyone. It's a sad fucking world out there. I can't go to the store without feeling bad… watching some young mother yelling at her crying kid… Watching a person belittle a sales associate or customer service representative for the store just because they can. Being ignored by the sales associate because I don't look a certain way.
I can be a ghost if I wanted to be… or I can stand out and have people look at me like I'm crazy. I suppose I am a tad crazy though.
I just don't know what to say…
I start out wanting to laugh… wanting to smile and be carefree like other people my age… not worrying about all the ways this world is going to pot. But that's not me. I do worry. I tend to close my eyes when it gets to be too much. And then I get into trouble because this life… that I should be living… is just passing me by.
Three blogs in a day. Who am I trying to kid. I need to talk more… alot more. There is just too much inside me to let it build up like this…. I hate that it all just tumbles out of me like this.
As a side note… I started writing this for my MySpace blog… it got a bit too personal so I'm posting it here.