So I guess this is just an update on my person wellbeing in case anyone cares to read this. I went outside to do some grocery shopping today, and that was good. I like feeling like I’m accomplishing tasks here, though I wish I could be held accountable to consistently keep doing things. I did my inktober art of the day, I edited my TOK essay, I studied for physics some (though I will probably still fail the test). I did what I needed to for Spanish. I wish I had gone outside for an actual walk though, or gone to play basketball or done pilates or something. Instead I mostly just stayed inside and felt sorry for myself. Anxious more. About the letter of recommendation, I can’t do anything about it until I talk to my teacher or UCAS lets me give them a call, though they don’t open until tomorrow for the calls. Tomorrow I’m probably going to have math homework from math, none for physics cause of the test (though maybe still work), maybe some work from Spanish, and maybe some work from my other classes… Sorry this is basically just a lot of random thoughts to help me organize my head.
I was helping my Mom today with her art, she’s an artist as well and she’s been getting into absurdism lately. I thought getting ideas from the most un-human AI might help with that. She’ll probably do a stamp with Fernando Pessoa except with his eyes crossed out or something, or with a tiger, or swimming or something absurd like that. I woke up at nine or so today and (let it be known my memory is shoddy) I think and maybe I was on here? Regardless I went downstairs did my “nest” drawing, and talked to Mom about her work. For lunch I had my leftover burrito at precisely 12:00 pm. I went back upstairs I think.. Anyways I eventually went to the store in the neighboring city because it’s cheaper, my Mom is just that cheap lol. I have my permit but not my license even though I’m 17 and it seems like everyone my age has it already. And a job which I don’t have. I work like 7 hours volunteering a week though, okay? For dinner I made some vegan bruschetta with the tomatoes I got from the garden. It was a good dinner. After I did my schoolwork and started talking with my friend over email. Maybe I’ll talk to my other friend later over text. I should probably get more sleep though. I just don’t like going to sleep when I’m sad and anxious and worried about stuff cause then I’ll have to think when I close my eyes and don’t go right to sleep. Agh. I kind of hate sleep. It’s just the thing you do between night and day that pauses the inevitable cycle. Agh. Now my friend is threatening to kill themselves with 5000 mg of ibuprofen and stop his liver. I infect people with sickness and make them want to kill themselves.
Talking to people online here is nice. It’s good to hear about other people’s experiences.
P.S. Here’s a picture of a toroidal shape I like. Life is a toroidal shape.
I also do art and stuff, drawing mostly and kind of feel the same way about messing people up unintentionally by being really, really, down a lot. Idk if you can relate but I also get this existential fear over the inevitable passing of time as we all creep closer to our own deaths and how no one around me seems to care. It’s kind of caused insomnia lately because I feel like I want to live life to the fullest but am simultaneously wasting it and sleep is one of those things that usually feels like a waste to me even if humans have to do it.
I suppose existential fear over the inevitable passing of time as we all creep closer to our own deaths doesn’t bother me much because I have so many suicidal thoughts. I do get the weird feeling that many young people think they’re immortal, death just seems like such a foreign concept to them because they haven’t gotten close to it yet or as intimately with it as those with suicidal thoughts often do, or just obsessive thoughts about death. I understand feeling a sense of existential fear though and I know you’re not alone because many others feel the same; I sometimes think my life will pass by me through suicide or not and it scares me to think I’ll never have accomplished anything. I’ll simply be a nobody, which shouldn’t bother me, but it does to some extent. Perhaps part of the reason I’m not dead yet is because egotistically I can’t fathom a world in which I never made a difference or ever mattered.
I feel your pain with feeling like you don’t matter. I think in a weird way that’s why I draw. It’s because I fear being forgotten when I die. It’s like every time we do draw something we are leaving a little piece of ourselves behind for others to find. I don’t know if there is a god or afterlife so the only way we have any sense of immortality from my view is what we leave behind. I get some solace in that fact sometimes. That we make a difference no matter how small simply by existing. It doesn’t change how depressed I get though. Some days I wonder why I carry on at all. I’m glad I’m not alone though.
Yeah. I used to write a lot because I never spoke, and I thought I have so many interesting things to say but no one ever hears them, so I started to write more. I have pages and pages of poems in the notes app of my phone. I’m still undecided about whether or not I’ll delete them all when I go. It’s strange that unfiltered raw look at yourself; to write a suicide note or not, that is the question… But better to be forgotten than pitied I guess. I like to use art to express my emotions so I don’t have to say anything with words. People take it less seriously in art, you can be suicidal in a poem and no one’s going to stop being friends with you or flip out like they would if you said you want to kill yourself. I’m sorry you wonder why you’re still carrying on, though I thank you for being here to talk to me, being someone who understand.
Its kind of surreal to me too to talk so openly about some of my darker thoughts with someone. Most of the people in my life would do exactly what you described and overreact. One of my biggest fears is going to a hospital against my will over it.