I have been sitting here feeling myself slip into a void of numbness. Sitting around with my family the last few days watching everything that goes on and i wish that i could forget what iknow so i could blindly share in their unaware emotions.
I sometimes wish i wasnt so aware of emotions and feelings. But i would then lose who i have come to be. numb from struggling with holding back the memories and thoughts that hand on the edge of my mind. around the corner depression sits waiting for me to take a break. So much going on that i cant afford to let my guard down.
3 members in my family with cancer. The family buisness on the verge of failing. A whirlwind of friends who need a middle man to hold them together as they suffer a wave of random sickness, deaths, and sad moments in their lives.
I have sacraficed all my dreams to my fears and tears. And now i mold my life around those who need me. I dont even know if could remember how to dream anymore. It almost feels like my life is a deadend. But something keeps pushing my forward. Maybe oneday i will fix myself and find what i want.
A family that abandoned me when i was 3 wants to have a relationship with me after 24 years of neglect. I cant even bring myself to hate them let alone love them or even to accept them. I know they are the reason i cant trust many peole or let anyone close enough to love the real me. I feel they dont deserve that chance and that i shouldnt have to work at something i wanted all my life and finally gave up on when i was a teenager.
all the while i cling to my current family that adopted me but was the sorce of 10 years of abuse. why do i chose this family over that family? why cant i forgive that family but i forgave this one. I wish at this crossroad i couldnt feel anything.
I always wonder how far i am willing to go to protect and save those that i do love. Will there come a day when i dont have the strength to take the abuse from those that do me harm. Will i fail when someone calls on me to help them? From my own experience its an impossible battle stance to keep up. and yes i do look at life as a battle. a battle against your own mind and heart not to mention everyone else.
Someone who almost solely lives to love and protect other people. But recieves almost none back in return. How long can that last or do i live for another reason that is yet unclear to me? A question i ask myself everyday.
All i tell myself in response is that it has to be done and im a strong enough to do for another day. I feel like a knight who knows the end is near but finds a way to make another charge.
as crazy as all this sounds i am sure other people feel the same way. I just wish i knew some of them so i know it can be done.
as i reread this before posting i realize that i have come along way. This is a mild feeling of numbness. such a long way away from my normal winter depression i have every year. and yet this blog sounds really messed up.
o well i say.
to any who read this. have a good holiday and remember there are those out there who like you are looking for love and friendship and peace of mind and heart. We just have to remember to never give up looking for eachother.