I'm going through this "I'm finding myself" stage…and it's been a long stage for me. I don't know, maybe I'm trying to hard….maybe I'm not trying hard enough. I had taken Friday off work so I could go to a free, outdoor concert in a canyon on Thursday but I couldn't do it. The reason: I didn't want to go alone. People I know have their own lives. They have their own friends, their own relationships. And I just feel…stuck, over here. Friday morning, I went to a cemetary to visit my aunts and my grandma. It was so quiet and peaceful, not that I was expecting a party to be going on but I was enjoying the moment. Afterwards, I felt…lonely.

It's been two and half years since I've been with anyone. The one thing I miss the most is, the touch. The caress of someone. The actual feeling of feeling wanted. The idiotic thing about that statement, is when I would feel satisfied, I'd leave.Then I'd feel lonely afterwards. Confusing, isn't it. I'd want to be with someone and when I would, I couldn't continue being with someone.I even thought one night stands were so much easier and simpler to deal with.No strings attached…but I couldn't continue with that. A strangers touch seemed to be more than I could handle.I only felt lonelier.So I stopped everything all together. There's a line in a song that comes to mind, "I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me"….too funny.

I know I'm going through a glitch here. I'll get over it, I always do. These are thoughts that are running all over my mind right now but I'll find a balance and everything will be fine again. Just needed to let these thoughts out.

I had mentioned once, that even if I didn't find anyone, I'm okay with that. Thinking about it now, I think I just need to accept (or let go?) of the feeling that I am okay with being alone.