It's almost 5:00 in the morning but I can't sleep. I was tired about an hour ago but I started feeling really anxious so I logged online to see if my boyfriend – yes, we're back together, at least for now – was still online. He wasn't so I've been sort of just pacing around.

Anyways, that whole "at least for now" bit brings me to what is bothering me. I am almost 22 years old. Almost everyone I know has a kid or kids…they're engaged or married…and yet here I am, stuck, trapped, and unhappy.

I feel angry that my life isn't more together like theirs is. Why has my life never been normal? Why have I always trailed behind, lost and confused? Hell, I was even behind in college. I chose IT as my first major and wasn't happy. I struggled to find my place in a school that is career driven and houses some very bright and brilliant pepople. I later learned that when I began there, an "undecided major" didn't actually exist. At the time, I was working against the system if you will. I was a student with many interests at a school where most kids know what they want to do by age 10.

My boyfriend has been in college since he was like 15 years old. He has an Associate's Degree but he thinks it's useless so he works at Home Depot and hates it. Meanwhile, he's busting his ass to get a BS in Computer Science but he seems to hate it, at least the Calculus and Physics part. I only hope the upper level programming classes go better…

I sort of want to yell at him. The reason our lives are so effed up right now is because he screwed up. I can't even talk about it still…what happened…but it scarred me for life I think. And even worse, he continues to screw up. He hates his homework, he hates his job, he doesn't keep up, he's depressed, etc. but he won't change majors. He won't even look.

He says he doesn't want to change majors because it'd make him feel stupid. He feels like he has to do this for himself, to prove to himself that he's not stupid, but what he's failing to grasp here is the fact that his family verbally and emotionally abuses him and he's stuck at home with them while he's in college because they won't co-sign any loans for him and he's buried under debt.

And that's another thing – debt. He's accruing massive amounts of interest. This isn't some Lifetime story. This isn't one of those meaningful moments in life that you look back on and feel stronger for having survived. This could seriously ruin his life. How smart is this decision anyways? "Yay, I finally graduated, I'm so smart! Now I just have to figure out how to pay off over $100,000 in debt!"

I know it's not smart to be with someone who can't grasp a basic concept like interest but I keep hoping we'll be able to create a life together, a happy one. And if worse comes to worst – if we can't make it work – I'll just break up with him and move on. But that doesn't change the fact that I am furious at him for not getting his act together right now. If I were staring down the same barrel he is, I'd get my ass moving.

I just want to know what it's like to have a home, to be happy, to be loved, to be secure. I want a job, I want a steady income, I want a life. I know I'm young but why do I feel so damn trapped?


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