I am off of benzos and have been clean from other drugs for 5 months. I am trying to start over and not make the same mistakes that i have in the past, but I don't know how to get past my anxiety. It is hard for me to even get out of my apartment and I don't know how to be around other people. I only have a couple of friends right now and just hanging out with them is so hard because of my anxiety.
My anxiety is at the point that if I don’t learn how to deal with it, it is going to destroy my life. For the past thirteen years I have been pushing it away with pills, drugs and alcohol or learning to hide it ignore it or push past it but I have never actually learned to deal with it. I feel it is an extreme weakness. I hate it and am deeply ashamed of it. I don’t know how to explain it to people and talking about it makes me feel really bad about myself. If I don’t share it, however, it is impossible for me to have any real relationships. It makes me feel vulnerable and that by telling people about it I am giving them a way to control me. Not talking about is letting the anxiety control me and making it impossible for anyone to get close to me. I want to try to figure out how to deal with it on my own and with other people. The effort it takes to try to hide it from people makes it so that I never want to be around anyone. It feels like a catch 22 because the worse it is the harder it is for me to talk about it and those are the times I need support the most. I try to wait and bring it up when I’m feeling better, but when I’m feeling better it just seems stupid and embarrassing so I don’t mention it. I don’t know how to get out of this but I can feel the pressure building and I know that if I don’t do something differently this time it will lead to another disaster. Not dealing with it in the past has always lead to relapsing, or hurting myself in some way, and ruining any relationships I have. I don’t want that to happen again but I don’t know any healthy ways of dealing with it either.