So I went out last night with two mates who ended up backing out but said fuk it so went out by myself as there was a DJ I really wanted to see, so I got into the venue, sat alone with my drink, confident, cool calm and collected, once the music started to kick off I just really got in to it and hit the dance floor, was really enjoying it, kept getting eye contact from a very attractive girl and I felt the attraction was mutual, for whatever reason she just started dogging into the one of the most ugliest stupidest looking guy there and every time after she had been kissing him she would look my way, think this might have been some sort of stategy to get me to make a move on her.

I'm the kinda guy where music comes first before females so was more into what the DJ was doing, met one guy who I kinda new from way back to he was giving me all these handshakes n hugs all night on the dancefloor and was having the craic with him, so when the music ended I went to talk to the girl but think was too drunk at that stage, can't even remember what I said to her but mentioned something to her about a kim kardashian sex tape, she was not impressed by this somehow.

So anyways ended up chatting with the guy and his friend the night club promoter and finally the DJ and 3 other girls, we were all getting on real well and then proceded to find some where to drink after hours, couldnt find anywhere and then went to the hotel where the DJ n his girlfriend were staying, was chatting to the DJ for a good bit were into the same music n he as a real cool decent guy, so when we got to the hotel door the guy who had been giving me handshakes and homie hugs all night turns around and says your not coming in with us, totally changed on me, what an ignorant bastard.

That totally just f:@ked up my mood bear in mind I had a lot to drink at this point and was pretty hammered, I just walked around town on my own till 4.00pm got a bag of chips n a coke, I'm started to come out of a severe long term years of depression so its gunna take time to make new friends and rebuild family bonds. hard to explain but last night Iv never felt so alone and isolated, so lost and in a very dark place.

Came home and genuinely wanted to kill myself this was no cry for help, took a 100 benzos, considering I had so much alchol I thought this would work plus I slit my wrist with a proper kitchen knife, it was deep but not deep enough cause I woke up alive with a lot of blood on the bed.

Woke up thinking what the f:@k did I do last night??

Finally feeling guilt and remorse for what I had done but at the time I was in hell.

Feeling good now, will learn from the experience.