12:56 pm 6/18/09 Thurs anxietytribe.blog
I meditate upon JC's struggles and agony in the Garden of Gethsemane. I feel l can identify with the torment, the fear, the reluctance that He may have felt as evidenced by His words "Father if it's your will, remove this cup from me: (Luke 22:42). He really really didn't want to go through what he was about to undertake. I can identify with the tremendous reluctance to move forward. I can identify with the wish to avoid "drinking the cup"because it is so bitter and painful. Just slowing down and facing my inner emotions instead of running from them feels painful and bitter and it's something I feel great reluctance to. It comforts me to feel that JC knows what it is like to struggle with reluctance and fear like I do. This meditation helps me to feel less isolated and lonely and abandoned to know that JC may have struggled with these same negative emotions. JC must have felt abandoned and lonely when he asked " Could you not stay awake with me for one hour" (Matthew 26:40). I believe He was feeling the same kind of abandonment and isolation that I chronically feel when he asked that question "could you not stay awake with me for one hour?" I often feel that internally in my psyche, that there is no internalized loving parent who can keep me company and stay awake with me while I struggle. I often feel like an abandoned toddler with no one around left to struggle in the cold dark wilderness. I know God is out there somewhere on an intellectual level but I struggle everyday like JC did in his agonizing in Gethsemane. Help me Gd with my loneliness, my reluctance and resentments and unwillingness to follow through in the direction you are calling me. I feel like sticking around in my neurotic self sabotaging ways ironically feels more comfortable and familiar and less scary then trying to follow the call to recovery and healing which has to go through the pain of the Crucifixion before I can metaphorically find Resurrection.
thanks to all those who have commented on my blogs, it helps me to know that we are part of a community that struggles to move forward
Help me God, help me God, I feel like the psalmist who lament to God about their suffering, Like in Psalm 23, where the psalmist feels like he is in the Valley of Death with his enemies (my everpresent inner critic and fear mongerer who keeps terrifying my inner child).
1: 15 pm
The Lord is my Shepherd, please help me God in my Valley of Death