I created this profile nearly 2 years ago but never really did anything with it.

I could rant about things that bother me. There are many things when it comes to the treatment of depression that irk me severely and I really don't want to sit here and gripe.

Let's talk instead about the here and now and where I want to be. I am 33 years old. I was married but didn't have any kids. I'm overweight and just now starting to feel it. I've been dealing with depression since childhood. I'm not medicated and I'm not seeing a therapist. My depression has led me to seriously consider suicide on a few occasions and one attempt. I was voluntarily hospitalized once after telling my ex wife that I was considering it. By the way, that killed the likeliness of ever getting private health insurance.

I don't think that I have any major disorders aside from clinical situational depression. I've never been manic. I can get out of bed and go to work 99.99% of the time. I'm not psychotic and or schitzophrenic. I have no desire to hurt anyone. As I write this I don't even want to hurt myself. What drives me to suicidal thoughts is the fear of being alone. Lonliness is my biggest weakness. It drains me and makes me doubt. The fear of being one of those old men who live by themselves while yelling at the kids to get off their lawn scares me to death and I'd rather not be alive than to live like that. I don't want to grow old alone.

I've got some good friends. Most of whom I've dated but continued to be friends after the fact. I don't make friends easily and especially not male friends. I'm intimidated by other men. I was intimidated by my own dad. Sadly, not in an awe or reverent sort of way. I was intimidated in the way a kid is intimidated by a schoo yard bully. This makes making friends difficult. It is also of a kind of catch-22 when it comes to the issue of making friends and dealing with lonliness. If I'm intimidated, I don't talke to people and I continue being lonely which leads to more fear of rejection and so I don't talk to people, etc.

It's time for a change. I'll write more about that change later.


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