Feeling anxious and worried about everything today. My youngest doesn't seem quite right- he's tired yet he won't go to sleep so he's grumpy. But it seems more than that- like's he's in discomfort. I'm scared he's getting sick again.

I have my 2nd psych appointment tonight- it's weird- it feels much longer than a week since I last saw him. I'm worried about the appointment. I don't know what he'll want to discuss, how much deeper he'll want to go and if he'll want to start working on my phobias. I don't know what to expect and it frightens me. As much as I want to get rid of my phobia of driving, I also don't feel ready. I'm scared that if we start working on it, the psych or my husband will want me to get behind the wheel right away and I don't want to. I'm not ready. I'm scared.

Really paranoid this morning. Got up and the dishes weren't done. My hubby promised he'd do them last night before he came to bed. But he didn't. When I left him last night, he was on my computer doing stuff for work. I waited for him awake in bed for what felt like ages because I couldn't get comfortable and fall asleep. He reckons he didn't do the dishes because the kids were stirring and our youngest woke up. He said he came to bed at 11pm, but I didn't go to bed until after 10pm. I was awake waiting for him- why didn't I hear the kids? Surely I didn't fall asleep that quickly? I'm scared. I feel like he is lying. I'm freaking out that he was looking up porn and that's why he didn't get around to the dishes. I hate that I can't trust him. Even if it wasn't porn and he just got sidetracked with work stuff, why can't he just say so? Why does he have to lie?

I've been fretting about this all day. As it is we've got the whole SSRI issue to deal with which doesn't help my self esteem AT ALL. But then, I've also got no trust for him because of all the porn and matchmaking stuff a month ago. I want to go into my computer's internet history and see what he was up to, but I don't know how and he will probably have deleted anything suss anyway. I hate being paranoid and not trusting him. But he's left me with no choice- he's always proven my worst fears right. I just don't want him to hurt me again. Not now. I can't deal with anymore pain right now. It will put me over the edge- and I'm standing on it already. Please God, let my husband keep his promises and not hurt me again. Please.

I'm so fucking scared and on edge I feel like I'm losing the plot. I want to talk to the psych about my insecurities and my husband's infidelity but I don't know where to start. I feel stupid and embarrassed. I feel like an idiot for forgiving him even though I don't trust him. I feel like I'm sending him the message that it's okay and I'll forget it eventually. But it's not okay. I won't forget it. It won't ever not hurt me. The truth is I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. The pain never goes away. But I love him and I don't want to lose what we have. I don't want to become another divorce statistic. I want to grow old with him. I just want him to keep his promises and grow up. I want the porn and matchmaking shit to stop- FOREVER. I don't, and never have, done any of this to him, why is it so hard for him to do me the same courtesy? Please, please PLEASE God let him just have been preoccupied with work. PLEASE don't let him have been unfaithful again. I can't take it anymore.

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Saw the psych again tonight. Even though I was totally nervous, he made me feel at ease right away. We talked more about my perfectionist tendencies and how they create anxiety/panic attacks and eventually make the depression worse. He has taught me a few tricks about stepping back from the stress when I feel it building and analysing what thoughts/beliefs are upsetting me so that I can choose to react differently. It's going to take practice and time, but I hope I'll get there. He described it like this:

EVENT: you have an event. for example, you are buying your niece a birthday card.

BELIEF SYSTEM/THOUGHTS: your belief system and thoughts surrounding this event. for example, the card has to be perfect, it has to be special, that I have to be the perfect aunt because I am the ONLY aunt, the card has to reflect how special she is and how special I am. These belief systems are created in childhood and manipulate how we see events and react to them.

FEELINGS/REACTIONS: how we react to the belief systems in our head and the feelings those beliefs provoke. for example, anxiety, panic, stress and low self worth because I cannot find something that is "perfect".

The main point I have to remember is that it is not the event which is causing the anxiety, it is my belief systems and thoughts surrounding that event. The trick is for me to step back when I start feeling panic and breathe. I have to look at the situation and ask myself what I'm thinking, what beliefs are running around in there making me upset. When I can identify those thoughts (i.e. it's the perfectionism) I should be able to recognise where they are coming from (i.e. my childhood, my father etc). Then I can ask myself- "Do I want to continue allowing these thoughts to upset me and creat panic? Or, do I want to react differently so I can start to feel peace in my life?" Then I choose to react differently. So instead of freaking out about the perfect card for example, I realise that the card shop is out of my control, the card is seperate to me and doesn't reflect who I am or define my self worth, different people may love or hate the card but I cannot control that- everyone is different- just because someone hates the card, doesn't mean they hate me as a person. So I have to accept that I will do the best I can with the resources I have and not allow myself to get upset over it. The only thing I can control is WHAT I DO and HOW I REACT to events and situations. I cannot control anyone or anything else.

The other helpful thing that my psych told me is that I place my feelings andneed for validation in other people's hands. For example, If I buy the perfect card for my niece, my sister will validate that I am a great aunty and therefore a valuable person. The thing to note here is that I AM GIVING OTHER PEOPLE THE POWER TO AFFECT HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. THEY ARE DEFINING MY SELF WORTH. NOT ME. I am relying on their praise, or lack thereof, to define whether I am of value or not. I have to stop giving other people that power. I have to decide within myself if I believe I am of value. Only then does the power reside with ME. That way, no one else can affect how I feel about myself. (Makes complete sense and sounds easy, but I think this is going to be a bad habit for me to break. I take every comment I get- good or bad- to heart).

My psych said that when somebody gives me a compliment or criticism, I should gain facts about it, rather than just accepting and storing the comment and allowing it to make me feel great or shitty. He said I need to ask "why?" For example, "why do you think I'm annoying today?" Then I will know that I am annoying today because I freaked out about a birthday card for example. Then I know that it is an ACTION that is annoying, not MYSELF AS A WHOLE. Then I won't feel so devastatingly shitty and worthless when I receive a criticism. (Makes sense, but again, trying to remember it and practice it will be another thing).

We also talked about compartmentalising my life so that when I feel really shitty and like nothing ever goes right, I remember that there are some good parts in my life as well. So apparently I need to look at my life objectively and compartmentalise the different parts- I need to say, yes there are some parts of my life that are shitty and need work, but there is also this and that and this which I'm happy with and that are going well. Then I'll supposedly remember that not everything is a disaster and it's not better to just end it all. Again, makes sense but I think it's easier said than done. What if the only areas of my life that I'm happy with are really basic notions such as "I have a roof over my head and food to eat"- yes I know many people don't have this, but when everything else is falling apart is a roof and food going to stop me topping myself? Somehow I don't think so.

That was my last session with the psych. The regular lady is coming back next week and I have to see her frm now on. Yet another unkown I'm fearful of. What if her style is completely different? What if we dont hit it off? What if I don't like her? etc. I'm also nervous because it looks like she's booked out for the next 2-3 weeks, so that's great. The dr wants me going weekly but what can I do? I just wish the fill in psych wasn't so far away- I'd just continue to see him.

It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll be 28. Where the hell did my twenties go? Is this what the rest of my life will be like? I'll wake up and one day I'm 30, the next I'm 40? When I was younger time seemed alot slower. Now it seems to be racing by.

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On a side note, I confronted my husband tonight and told him that if he got sidetracked with work, he needs to just tell me. I'd rather that than freaking out all day. He knew it before I'd even got it all out- he said, "You think I was on all that shit again don't you?" I said "yes". He got really sad. He said it truly was the kids waking up and he'd finished the work stuff at 10:45pm but spent half an hour getting our youngest back to sleep. He said I was snoring when he was trying to get him back to sleep. He apologised that I'd freaked all day and swore black and blue that I have nothing to worry about. He also said he understands why I don't trust him and he deserves it- if it were the other way around, he wouldn't be trustful either. I explained that I'm just so paranoid. between his past hurts and my current sexual problems I keep waiting for him to say it's all too hard and leave. He told me that's not going to happen. But I'm too scared. I don't know whether to believe him. I want to, but I can't trust it. He told me to setup a tracking system on the computer so that I can monitor what he does. I know he's trying and I'm grateful for it but I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm just so scared.

Appetite: half a sandwich, coffee

Gynae: no probs

Sleeping: good

Mood: anxious, paranoid, scared, distrustful

Things that upset me today: thinking my husband was up to no good again, not knowing what to expect at the psych appointment, that it was my last appointment with jorge, not knowing if my husband is telling the truth

Things that I'm grateful for today: the kids, my mum, my mother in law, psychologists, journals, coffee, phone calls