Wow, things are screwed up but that’s nothing new.

Mom confronted Dad last night about his declaring himself the secondary on our bank accounts. She said that it was her money and that she wanted on herself although she admitted that if it hadn’t been for me, she never would have said anything anyways because she "doesn’t think he’d do anything" but I don’t trust him any farther than I can throw him. When he gets mad, he blackmails and threatens. And if he has control of my money, that’s right where he’ll go. Before that, it was my laptop. Once, when I refused to work at this big Christian festival (I’m Agnostic, firstly, and it was hot, very hot, and I’m not an outdoors type of girl), he took my laptop and locked it in his car trunk just because he was mad. He was so set on fixing me up with his friends that he started planning out future trips with them because he’s always wanted me to be more like him and I just started freaking out, panicking, and told him I couldn’t do it.

After that, it was my car. When I was 18, he and I got into a huge fight that resulted in the cops being called. He was so mad at me that he made me pay for my car insurance ($500 although now he claims he "doesn’t remember") and then tried to restrict my movements by telling my Mom that I was not allowed to go anywhere but to work and back home. Mom stood up for me then too and said that if I had to pay for my car insurance and gas that she wasn’t about to tell me I couldn’t go wherever I wanted (which was only my Gram’s place anyways).

And it just hit me — he’s insecure. He’s hateful and bitter and seems to favor men over women but overall, he’s insecure. He doesn’t know how to get people to stay with him by being nice. He works with fear instead. We fear physical punishment, we fear financial abandonment. And that’s how he wants it. He doesn’t want us being independent because he doesn’t believe we’ll stay and he wants control over our decisions and actions. It infuriates him to no end when he doesn’t get his way because he is an only child and is used to it, it’s all he knows.

But there’s no talking to him about this. If I were to say, "Dad, no one hangs around you because you’re mean, if you were nicer and more relaxed, people would spend more time with you.", he’d respond with something like this: "Well fine, if I’m mean, you can pay your own car insurance and fill out your own FAFSAs and pay for anything that isn’t covered by loans, I’m done." Which is, in itself, mean…so it’d go right over his head.

So yeah, now we’re waiting for the crap to hit the fan. Our checks are still coming and he’s washed his hands of the whole thing. He said to "send the f*cking things back you f*cking moron, you’re f*cking stupid you f*cking c*nt"…yes, he talks like that all the time. But Mom isn’t sure how to do that so we’ll have to call and check. He’s so dirty, so nasty…he told her to take that money out and I don’t know if he told her that he’d be on with us. If he did, my Mom isn’t too swift but that’s not new either because no matter what he does, she still trusts him. She very stupidly told him about her "vacation money", money she’s saving to take to a casino with her Mom because she really wants to go, and now he keeps bringing it up becauses it bothers him that he can’t have it for himself and she won’t tell him how much she has. But she should have kept her mouth shut in the first place because now any time I need to borrow money (because I still haven’t been paid yet…), he says to get it from her because she "has a housefull of money". That’s how greedy and hateful he is. She worked all those years and she never saw any money from our income tax returns and he keeps everything else hidden away save for what she has coming in which is used for necessities anyways.

I don’t understand how anyone could bring themselves to love someone like him. I know my boyfriend and I have issues but he’d never do 3/4 of what my Dad has done, never. I really need to learn to be on my own…just in case… Right now, the plan is to keep my money as safe as I can so that when I have a chance to move, even if only for co-op, I can take off because I’ll have the cash for a plane ticket, a job lined up, and somewhere to live.

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