Okay, so life officially sucks.

Yesterday I had felt so relieved, validated even, seems like these many years of feeling so dreadful can be explained, on the brink of a diagnosis! Unfortunately it has come at a price. You see, the illness began many years ago. The symptoms at first were subtle and being treated individually. The first to be identified was the depression but as that grew fatigue kicked in, anxiety was diagnosed as an explanation for the fatigue but when that was being treated and I still found myself falling asleep at the wheel further investigations were needed. I had kept quiet about the pain in my joints until recently, I had been scared of a diagnosis of arthritis. The depression had been diagnosed in 2002 and I had attributed it to an unstable family life. I was 20/21 years old, I had a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. Relations with parents (mine and partners) were strained putting pressure on our relationship. It was tough. Our third child was born in 2005, the labour was difficult and I haemorrhaged really badly afterward. Both baby and I were lucky to survive. In 2006 I began night classes so I could progress to University, which I did in 2008. I would nod off in lectures but attributed this to doing so much. My daughter, shortly after birth, had a blue episode, it was terrifying, then a febrile convulsion when she was two. My eldest son was jaundiced at birth and broke his leg before he turned one. My youngest barely survived childbirth. I though it normal for a parent to worry about their children 24/7. I had been a pawn in my parents divorce, accused of causing it by my mother, taken advantage of sexually by my step brother, physically and emotionally abused by my mothers numerous male callers, sexually abused by men later in life and involved in numerous car accidents at the hands of others. Always expecting the worst to happen was like second nature, for me the worst usually did happen, it’s as though I attract trouble. What I’m trying to say is I could blame so much for the anxiety.

Above all this I have fought. I earned my BSc (hons) degree. My children are doing really well. 2 are productive members of society despite having dyspraxia, ADHD and ODD. My youngest is still in school, working toward becoming a vet. I am happily married to their father and my relationship with his family has been repaired. We have a beautiful 5 bed roomed detached house. We both work hard, always have since 14 years old. For the past 5 years I have given my all to the company I work. I single handily did the job of three people for over a year whilst the company tried to recoup their losses. I have undertaken every new role they have given me.

Now my illness has taken over. I have been declared medically unfit to drive because I have been falling asleep at the wheel. Despite my years of loyalty to my company the ‘charity’ for which I work, they are making it clear I am no longer any use to them and are looking at ways to get rid of me. They are making it hard for me to work for them and actually penalising me. I am making so many financial losses because of an illness I did not ask for or want. Soon I will lose my house and as a result my family will become divided geographically. My uncertain future terrifies and sickens me. I have no choice but to face what happens next.

My situation is not unique. So many people become chronically unwell but carry on because of their financial situation. We need to educate the future generations in insurances. Had I known enough to have the right insurances in place I would be able to take the time to heal and manage my illness and maybe get back to work. I am now so ill that my family will suffer because I can longer provide and my husband can’t do it on his own. C’est la vie.