How do I feel today on July 2, 2012? Well I am sad, my best friend in the office is gone and I have a strong feeling that my best gay friend here has removed himself from my life. I hope that’s not the case but it’s what my gut tells me so it’s all I can go on at the moment until I really know what’s going on, no response causes the mind to wonder. I guess I’m hurt because I’d brought him something he asked for when I was off base for vacation. I couldn’t find it in the stores so I ordered it and it arrived on Friday. I indicated it was here and the response I got was LOL, then I invited him to the movies and there was no response, and conversation has been pretty lacking for a few weeks now so I’m sure that my feelings are accurate. I’m losing my best gay friend and I’ve lost my best work friend so again I feel like a lost and alone pup.

Losing my best gay friend, I’ll call him Max, has been difficult because I trusted him enough to tell him about my status. It seemed after I revealed that information he grew closer and of course, it led to sex. I shouldn’t have allowed it to go there, we’d slept together many times before and I’d kept my distance. The relationship progressed to this level over a few weeks of flirting and a couple of outing with friends where we found comfort in the crowd with each other and came to a head when we spent the night together and I held him in my arms the entire night as we slept. Max woke up the next morning and said to me “You make me feel wanted; I’ve never felt like this before.” I smiled and kissed him on the back of his neck and continued to hold him as I fell back asleep. There have only been a few occasions where I’ve actually been able to hold someone all night. I typically become overheated, start sweating and we all know once the sweating starts it never stops or the other person says I generate too much heat and ends up on the couch or the other side of the bed. We laid around all day and he spent the next night with me as well. Again, I held him in my arms all night. He just felt so right and he acknowledged that.

So the catch here is that while he was acknowledging how great it was to be with me he was going on and on about his ex boyfriend who refused to respond to any of his messages. I guess I needed to give someone love so badly that I ignored that and just did my best to treat him as if I wanted someone to treat me. Well, that has all blown up in my face. The last week has left me with many questions and quite disgusted at men in general. I don’t understand how a man can be so intimate yet so disconnected. I’m sure there was a time in my life where I’ve been Max, but I’m growing tired of being where I am. A similar situation happened with a guy I was dating before I moved to this base which makes me wonder if it’s me, if I’m such a romantic that I can’t see the situation for what it really is. I don’t doubt that one bit but how do you find that special someone with boundaries, limitations, and caution?

Anyway, enough on the love I lost that I never had. I was writing because until about an hour ago, I felt like crap but one phone call turned my frown into a smile. While I was dropping my work friend off at the ferry I ran into a guy I dated over a year ago that left to go back home and has now returned. When I saw him Saturday I spoke and we hugged, he and I had a brief conversation welcoming him back and catching up. I didn’t think anything of it, until I arrived at work this morning and saw that he’d called on Sunday and he called again this morning. I was at my desk this time and he said he just wanted to say hi and see if I would be home this evening because he wanted to come by. That probably means one of two things, he wants to talk or he wants sex. I think it’s the second. He would be a great distraction from all that’s going on but it wouldn’t be fair to him because I’m going to him to cover wounds that need time to heal rather than be masked by a new relationship. Again, I have to ask the question, how do you find that special someone with boundaries, limitations, and caution?

That’s it for now so I’ll leave you with my wisdom for the day, which is to experience your emotions, realize and make peace with yesterday because tomorrow is a new day and you want to be open and ready for whatever comes your way.