Why am I so bothered that he hasn't contacted me since sat night????
To cut a long story short – went to a part, had a brilliant time, ex turned up, we were civil and pleasant to one another, I drank too much, didn't take my meds, had an anxiety attack, spent the rest of my night stood outside in the rain thunder and lightening struggling to breathe and unable to stop crying, felt so so bad because my friends were trying to help me but no-one could and they were all too drunk anyway… my ex asked what was wrong 3 times and each time I just said 'I'm ok', I didn't want to involve him, I didn't want him to see what a state I was in…… On the third time he asked me, he said I clearly wasn't ok, to which I just responded 'I'm not your problem anymore'
About 5 minutes after that while I was stood outside again, he stormed past me, walked off down the street didn't even say goodbye and ignored me when I shouted bye to him. I tried calling an hour or so later to see if he was ok and he just hung up on me. Part of my rational mind knows that he was probably upset that a) I was in that state because of his presence, and b) I refused his help. I really do think it bothered him that I was in such a state yet I stayed out of his way and wouldn't let him help me.
It gets worse though.
After that, while another anxiety attack hit me, I was stood there still in the puring rain, the thunder and lightening echoing around me in the deepest darkness, someone who I have called a 'friend' for a long time came and shouted at me for my ex leaving, told me it was my fault and told me he didn't understand why I wasn't over him yet. All I could do was shout back that unless he'd been with someone for 8 years and had his heart broken ad his whole world torn apart so suddenly, he would never ever understand how I was feeling.
And then it all got too much.
I ran down the street, in the rain, carrying my boots because I could run faster without them, through puddles of mud and slime and in a tight dress that was no protection from the elements at 3am. I got to the nearest bar, hailed taxi, borrowed a mobile phone, called my mum to make sure she had some money at home in order to pay for the taxi I so desperately needed. All I could say on the phone to my mother through my tears was that I needed to come home where I felt safe. I got home. I cried more. My mum hugged me, and didn't ask any questions.
I'm still unsure as to what went wrong. I think what bothers me most is the fact that on friday I had made that massive step to see my ex, we'd got on well, and he even hugged me in such a powerful way it made me feel human again. And now this… being ignored again and not really knowing why, being scared to talk to friends because of the fear of being hurt by them again.. the paranoia of not really knowing who my real friends are anymore and the complete and utter fear that my anxiety attacks and the state I was in may have scared them too much to want to be around me anymore.
I feel numb inside.