Ugh. It's one of those days when my energy level for warding off negativity is low (I hear that it's called Etheric Vitality). I'm not mad, not sad, I feel fat (which once my job starts picking up on Monday will probably go away), but my thoughts could easily turn to either any emotion that would somehow create problems. I have some sort of annoyance at the ol' boyfriend, poor kid. We are not a forever couple, and sometimes, the differences are energy consuming. Mainly because he doesn't want to change anything so that becomes the basis for lots of conversations. For example: I would never date anyone on a serious, permanent basis that drinks as much as he does. In a town full of sport drinkers, he figures he's only drunk once or twice a week with frequent beers in between. I had an alkie boyfriend in college, and I hated it. I won't go back to it, and I am having serious energy resistence to the whole thing. I talked to him this morning and he got defensive, of course. But in keeping with the spirit of this not being my life partner (he doesn't abuse me or anything. He just gets boastful. Wait… he's always like that). I finally got him to agree to think, once in a while, about me in the picture and about waiting until I show up to start imbibing so that we at least start on the same page on a night out. I hate showing up to drunk people. It's boring, and it's annoying. I think I want more consideration. This guy has things for me to learn, but he is a child in so many ways.
Funny thing is, he's crippled after a car accident, and yet I'm jealous of him. Before he was hurt, he was good at everything athletic. I grew up with a brother like that, and the rest of the family told me I was an ungraceful clutz. So I never engaged in sports, although NOW I am finding that I am rather strong at the individual ones. He grew up in the mountains, I in the suburbs. He with a loving family, I with some narcissistic mom that encouraged me tohide more than reach my potential. Everyone here knows him, and last night, he kept bragging about it. (I asked him why he can't be grateful about it rather than bragging all the time). I recently had a fallout with a best friend, and I can't think of many people I actually want to get really close to here. I don't mind being acquaintances, and a lot of people know me because I'm active in the community, but I feel lonely because I don't have "People." So I am jealous of these things in him that I have always wished to be and never thought I could. What can I say!? I bought the lines from the family when I was a kid. I've had to discover the opposite on my own and it took a lot of time! When he brags about how good he was at sports, I think, shit. I could have been good. I get good at most things I put my mind to. But I didn't know that until about 6 years ago.
I get sick of the bragging because it hits sour notes in me. Also, I have tried to not brag excessively about the things I have done. Imean, I have gotten to experience some really amazing things! And many of my successes are internal and could never be understood by the average person. That's another thing. He can let go of stuff really easily, and I have always wanted to be that way. If you want to piss me off, tell me that I think too much. I do not like that at all. And when people act like I'm bad or nuts for thinking too much, well, it throws me off and I can't think at all! WHy are they right and I'm wrong? Yet again, another family bullcrap message. I heard that more than "Good job, Jen." Oh, wait. I hardly ever heard that.
So when I see people who had resources that I never had and who tell me that I should have found them anyways, and who brag about what they have, it really angers me. How many obstacles was I supposed to overcome by myself, anyway? As far as I'm concerned, I'm lucky to be alive and functioning in society. And it pisses me off that THAT has to be my success. It pisses me off that I didn't grow up with people supporting me and encouraging me to reach my full potential. I pray nearly every day, now, that I do become surrounded by encouraging folks because still, to this day, I have been basically my only fan. Hey, that's life. But now that I know what it looks like to have support, to have people point out what's good in you and what is positive, well, I hunger for it. I'd like to know what it's like.
I am incredibly dependent on myself, and yet there is an unhealthy longing to have support from others. That can be dangerous bbecause I end up handing my power over to them or getting jealous because everyone has told them how great they are, and nobody has said a damned word to me. Ahhh, yes, this stems WAY back…
It makes it hard for me to be in relationships, sometimes, because boyfriends (that inevitably, I don't totally jive with) start talking about how awesome that girl is, and she is so athletic, and that girl is hot, she's really good at this sport, and that girl is rad, blah blah blah. I know that I am strong and coordinated and that I am extremely active and stuff, but i'm arguing against a predisposition of always being cast as secondary to someone else. I also always thought that you weren't supposed to brag about taht stuff, that humility is a virtue. (Lotta good it's done me.) So I hate listening to my boyfriend go on and on braggging about his burly friend emily who plays rugby and snowmobiles better than the guys and who has giant, strong arms, and how he thinks burly girls are hot. Frankly, I find it rude. Especially since I hate snowmobiles! I don't get it! I don't usually bring up all the burly men I dated, or my friends who are crazy athletic guys…It's not important nor relevent. Why would I go on and on about some other guy, anyway? Why would he be interested?
While I know that this relationship has lots of good things for me, there are low days when I think, God, I'm sick of it. He has a tendency to knock me off balance with some bullshit rude redneck junk he pulls. And I get more angry at myself for putting up with it than anything. I am afraid to let my guard down becuase he inadvertently hurts me over and over. I know,yes, that I am being sensitive in some cases. And maybe he means nothing by it, but in my background, his actions are rather disrespectful. He just doesn't think. He's a little stupid, sometimes.
Bleah, bleahhhhh, grrrrr, bleah. And how much of my frustration is due to my own baggage and my own BS that I am projecting onto him? This is where I get stuck.