Well another day, another dollar. I went into work early and worked for an extra two hours, I just felt inclined to see if I could make a bit more money. I have told them that I would go in at any hours they could provide me. I'm hoping desperately that I can help provide for my mother, but it is very difficult. I don't particularly like doing it. But I haven't a choice.
My mother hasn't updated me on rent or utilities, she just takes the money as she finds need for it, but never tells me how much I need to make, how much I need to raise in order for us to be in the black rather than the red. It's frustrating not knowing, to be just in the absolute dark and unknowing of things that I am directly influencing. If I knew how much I needed to work, or how much I had to do, I would do everything in my power to do it. But my mother's too wrapped up in things like pride and shame to let me do more.
I am working tomorrow also, and I do enjoy it. I like the idea that I am getting a reward for my labors, that everything I do is directly influencing the things I get out of it. I'll never have a disappointing paycheck, because I know exactly how long I worked, exactly how much I should make. It's one of the few constants in my life. I just wish I could hold on to it in some way, my savings are constantly dipped into for bills or food, and if I want pocket money, I have to save every penny. My best friend has a job also, and he's constantly talking about how much he's saved and how he wants to buy a large T.V. I can't help but feel jealous that he doesn't have to support people.
But he's so kind to me, he's constantly helping me out in any way he can, even financially. He's agreed to go half and half with me in an apartment next year when we both turn eighteen. I hate to say it, but I can't support my mother my entire life. I can't keep sacrificing. Especially when I'm just starting MY life. As soon as the school year starts, I have to focus on me, my savings, and my own stability. None of my plans will come through if I don't.
Wish me luck. It might not be noble, and it might even be cruel, but I have to start thinking of myself and working for myself.
Now I only have to convince myself that.