My thoughts have been running darker and darker lately. I find myself wondering what it would be like to drift into oncoming traffic. Or maybe run off the shoulder and hit a tree, that would probably be smarter and less reckless. I think about the moments after the impact… would I be confused? Would I be relieved if I was still alive? Would I tell the paramedics what actually happened?
I feel completely and utterly worthless.
I try to do the best that I can, but everything is so difficult. No one around me understands what’s going on in my mind but how could they? I’ve managed to wrap myself in a cloak of shallow wit and sarcasm, carefully concealing the less desirable facets of my psyche. I even believed the lies I crafted around myself until I no longer knew who I was. Now I look around my living space and it’s like everything is slanted five degrees to the left. Nothing is the way I thought it was.
Impulses are constantly trying to affect my day. When I come across a prescription bottle nowadays, I stop myself from picking it up and examining it… maybe its vicodin or some hyrdocodone? Oxycotin? Percs? Opiates make your perceived problems slip away into warm and cuddly apathy. There’s no better cure when you’re hung up or struggling but replaces them with a new level of pain and misery. I can’t allow myself to slide back down that path… I can’t give up on myself and I cant let down the people who count on me.
I find myself intoxicated with the allure of chance. Watching a pair of dice tumble through the air… in the moment the possibilities seem endless. When I find myself sitting down in front of a carefully felted poker table a thrill courses through me and I begin to see everything clearly. My odds to win can be studiously calculated and the risk involved is carefully balanced with long term profit in mind. When I’m on a poker kick I keep a very close eye on the way I’m playing, my winning/losing trends and my total bankroll. I’m aware that such a hobby could be potentially destructive if I’m not careful.
At this point I’m anxious to call a doctor and make an appointment. I need help and there’s no way around it… I can only hope that once I’m on medication things will be easier and my life will become more productive and pleasant.