My wallet's a bit empty after this weekend but not as much as my heart.

Went to a rave in Seattle (about 3 hours away from me) with a date, paid for both tickets, then for breakfast the next morning and dinner that night. It would have been nice to hear "Thank you" or something of that sort but apparently most of the women these days I seem to go out with seem to just expect that I'm made of money. In either case she was a nice girl just that…I still wish I had my ex. She's gone, she's got a boyfriend, she barely will respond to my texts. It sucks though, and sometimes she'll text me drunk or sad or insecure looking for something but that's all I get anymore. Just that some little bit of her that knows that I'm always here for her and even that will go as she moves on.

I don't get why I'm so obsessed, it's not like she's the only girl I'll ever be able to get, or that I can't find another attractive woman, but she was my first and to my eyes, the only girl I ever need. I can't shake that feeling, even with her gone it doesn't seem to go. I can't help but wonder if this is all I'll ever feel, and if so what is the point in continuing to try. I have been in therapy working on this, I've had my nose glued to relationship books, but it doesn't seem to help.

I just can't get over it right now it seems. Maybe more time, but it cuts me deep every time I think of something that reminds me of her (and A LOT reminds me of her). From seeing a TV show or movie we watched together to a song that reminded me of her and even something as simple as going to a restaurant we went to together. Maybe this is what love is supposed to feel like but what's the use in love when all it does is hurt me?

I don't want to be that guy stuck crying over his ex while the best years of his life go by, nor do I want to be the guy who goes around fucking every girl in a 20 mile radius withouth any feelings. I want the pain to go, and yes, I wish I could have her back, but I know that even if I could it'd probably never be the same again.


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