Okay so for one, they need more options on the little how are you feeling thing. I mean come on, seriously!

Anyways, I don't know where else to turn and perhaps even here isn't the answer but I'm not full of good ideas here lately. So for this past week I have been seeing my ex boyfriend. I saw his Monday, Tuesday, and this morning all before I go to school. His aunt just passed (may she rest in peace) so I'm kind of allowing back in the house now. I feel terrible just on that alone. I mean she didn't want me in her house for a reason and like a couple days after she passes I'm in her house with my ex. Anyways so we always go back to his room (mainly cause I feel terribly awkward in front of his family…) And… Well…this is where my feeling of guilt or regret, I dont even know, start. Because as soon as the door closes and I drop my backpack, his lips are on mine and we are making out on his bed… And that's what we have been doing every time we see each other (not this morning though because he has fallen ill so I just laid next to him watching hockey). And I just…I feel terrible. Because… Because… I don't know. I can't really explain it. But I'll give you an example.

So he walked me to the bus Monday morning and when the bus came, in a stupid moment, we kissed goodbye. Then my friend commented saying that everyone has a boyfriend but her. Other one of my friends said that she didn't and I chime in afterwards saying neither did I. They then ask me what was that then? And I simply replied that was my ex (I said his name in the real situation but I don't really want to say it now). And I told him about this. And he then proceeded to ask me on what we were then. Just the sound of his voice, the look in his eyes, the expression used to utter this simply question cause these guilty regret filled feeling to come up. Because it was as if it was a mixture of hope and dissapointment. Then it simply got worst because I didn't have an answer for him. Because I simply don't know what we are.

Its not that I don't want him to be my boyfriend. Its just… Its so much more complicated then that. I have reasons as to why I broke up with him and my reasons still hold to be true. Yes, we do see each other more often (ironic right?) And we talk a little more (I think that is simply because I have grown a back bone since then and have the balls to say a little bit more of what is on my mind) but that doesn't change anything. I mean…. It does but its such a small change. And yet my stupid self is revurting back to the old ways and getting all hopeful and being like oh things are getting better so maybe everthing will turn out okay. But that simply not the truth because I know that if I ever say that I want to get back together (before i move out on my own at the very least) that things will end up being the same as before. All except that I might be a little more outspoken and who knows?! Maybe I'll revurt back to those old ways as well.

And yet as I go throughout the day or week or month, I keep thinking that deep down breaking up was a mistake. That I still love him and always will. And as I think about going out with other people, my heart is just saying that its not the same. That its not him. And I know that there are other people out their for me. And that I could move on and find new and probably better people. However the thing is, is I don't want to find another person. Which in the end is what is really the determining factor is it not? If you dont want to move on then that makes it difficult to even start the process right?

I just… I don't know. I suppose that I just need to do a lot of soul searching right now. Sometimes I think I am too mature for my age. But then again, I have my girlie teenage moments. I should not be worrying about these things at 17… So this was long. I'll be surprised if anyone reads it. Thanks for letting me get everything down though.