So, I love my gf to death, liek more than i love anything else, to the point its probably not healthy but i dont care. I'm going through a program to get off my meds. So i see this girl there, i didnt conciously think, "shes attractive", but i jut noticed she was kinda attractive. suddenly, i got really scared. first conciosu thought in my mind was my gf. and i got scared this rndom girls face would be what i saw when i thought of or saw my gf. or that somehow this random girl would "taint" my gf. suddenly, i began mentally doing compulsions, thinking things to cancel out this girls face every time i looked at it or thought about it. it worked fine, scary but fine, till i messed up. and then looked directly at a picture of my gf right after without fixing it, feeling wrong. also i note i feel liek i forget my gf when i dont see her even for a short time, like not literally forget but cant remember her or something, but heres the scoop: It now feels wrong to look at pics of my gf. havent got to see her since this but im scared. like want to take my own life scared. my mind took her away from me, it doesnt feel liek my gfs her when i look at her pictures and ims cared it wont get better when i see her. im so afraid, and its all my fault, if only i hadnt gone to the program today, or stopped taking my meds without telling anyoone so they didnt send me here to monitor me, or any number of different things i couldve done, then my gf wouldnt have just gotten taken. and i cant even begin to accept this. liek i love her so much and im so codependent i want to kill myself right now really bad cuz everything and then some jsut got taken from me, and now the girl i love too, i cant handle it. nothing helps this feeling and i want to kill myself so bad. the only thing keeping me alive is that if i do, then my gf would kill herself too and i cant do that to her. im scared this will never go away, and all i wannado is be with my beautiful gf who i love more than everything, i cant accept this, i caant tell myself itll be ok, and no one can help me. im so afraidand angry.

1 Comment
  1. marnella 8 years ago

    I have commented on one of your prior blogs, and I am happy to hear that you are stil around, fighting to survive with the rest of us – you mentioned you are going to get off your meds? I personally would not recommend that  – obviously your current meds are working or you wouldn't be feeling like you are – I recently had to go off of my Luvox because it didn't work, but I immediately started Zoloft because my doc said if I am this bad and suicidal ON meds, he fears for me if I have none in me (and then he gently reminded me that he has the power to place me in the hospital if I continue to feel suicidal- that scares me too)….ugh – just my two cents – don't stop all meds, just change them – I will worry about you with nothing in your system to help you fight this ocd

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