I don’t want to write another bog about wanting to change, or the same old issues. But it’s my blog and my problems – isn’t that what I should be doing? Hell, writing a blog about not wanting to write about these things is probably worse. But it helps me a little bit for a little amount of time, and people can just not read it if I irritate them.
Got to be up at 3am, (in 5 hours) to rasp some horses teeth and do some more track work and training. Another day full of the animals I’m so passionate for,,,, and the blood, sweat and tears that seem to be a part of it all. My whole body hurts right now, and it’s a real struggle for myself right now to be doing such physically demanding work for hours on end, day after day. I don’t get the rest over the weekend I should be getting for school the other 5 days, because I have to work full days and sometimes well into the night. But I shouldn’t complain because i love it so much.
I just feel so helpless again. Well, I cant really say again because I don’t know whether it ever went away. I know that when I get off here it will be the same thing again- cut, burn, care for wounds, fall asleep crying. Every nights routine at the moment. I cant say I want to change, nor can I say I am happy with it. I want to stop attacking myself, yet the part of me that needs it seems to be growing more and more with every cut – like, really. It is getting to the point where I have to REMIND myself that it’s a bad thing I’m doing. I’m even wearing ¾ length sleeves at work with the horses and not caring (enough to cover up) that the jockeys and other trainers are seeing it, because it doesn’t bother me as much as it always has. I just cant be f**ked anymore. Not in a suicidal way as much as just an exhausted, tired way.
I had to push myself to write this because I know it helps, it already is even. I know I need to make myself write, and think, and then self reflect. It’s just a struggle to get there at the moment. I have even been slack with my food journal, which really stresses me because it has been like a ritual or an addiction for me for years. Every SINGLE day for years. I missed yesterdays. I HAVE to make myself write it tonight. But hell, I cant even remember the exact intake from today due to being busy, which makes me feel incredibly sick. I must remember.
I have to get to sleep, but I want to try without sleeping tablets tonight because I want to be able to get up easily in a few hours. Eugh. Stupid hours us horse people work by.
I keep wondering, is there anyone out there? Is there ACTUALLY anyone who reads my posts, or who cares how I am or what I am doing. There was one person on DT but she hasn’t been on for about a month so I feel at a bit of a loss. Not her fault of course, it’s mine for feeling like I need her. But I think I could call her a friend, for sure. And I do miss her.
But when the real world fails you and you turn to the internet for support, it’s hard when that slows to a halt also.
And I cant help but try to accept that no one will be reading this because even if they did look at it, they’d not bother to get to the end. I don’t blame y’all – I wouldn’t read my blogs either. Look at me now talking to no one but myself.
Should I even press the “submit blog” button. Yes, I will. Quick, before I change my mind.