It’s not been easy at all, these past three weeks.  *sigh  But, i’m still here… i’ve learned nothing new, in the past couple of weeks, so i continue to wait for the medical examiner’s reports.  i got my daughter’s obituary in one of last week’s newspapers, with her picture, so hopefully, more of her friends and acquaintances will know and pay attention for the ‘memorial.’                                                                                 i’ve had some really rough “wake-ups,” these past few weeks, and most days, like today, i just don’t want to even get out of bed.  My husband continues to ‘watch’ me…*sigh So, that really gets under my skin.  He keeps commenting on my not using the electronics when i go downstairs, and simply staring out the window.  i just don’t have any reason to turn on music or a movie, so i don’t.  Is that really wrong?  i mean, hello!–i’m trying to save money here, lol.  OK, maybe not quite the situation, but it works into play–don’tcha think?  i can’t help that no particular food entices me.  i can’t help that i’m not really ‘excited’ about anything.  It’s just how things are for now.  i don’t mean to sound rigid, but every time he’s near me and i start crying, he feels like he has to come over to hug me.  That’s another thing that tends to get under my skin, since it falls into the ‘watching me’ category.  i know…it’s gonna take some time…i get that.  My friend in NC keeps suggesting that i contact my ex again, and see about getting some of Shelby’s ashes to create a keepsake.  *sigh  For now, though, it seems wrong….just feels like i’d be taking a chunk of her…..if that makes sense.  i know, she’s gone.  i get that.  But, i just don’t know how to wrap that thought around my brain, yet, with regards to “a spoonful of my daughter’s ashes”…. i’ve messaged, as well as spoken to her fiance’, a few times in the past weeks.  He’s told me how much he misses her, which is understandable, since she was with him for the past six years.  And, he continues to tell me how great my grandson’s doing, considering the circumstances. 

i continue to see how well my son’s doing–obviously, through pictures and activities that he’s doing, especially concerning Taekwondo.  He’s been an instructor, working with children, as well as a 2nd-degree black belt.  He just brings a smile to my heart, whenever i see him–and especially, his demeanor that shows, wherever he goes….   i really hope he doesn’t wait tooooo long to come around.